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behind the poetry
I won’t write about the typical I hate/love “love “ pieces
The ones where I Speak about the reality of romance and why my heart constantly decreases
Nah ………
I decided to take you a little deeper into this browned eyed girl
Today I’m going to truly invite you into my world
Everyone always asks me what’s my motivation, why do I write?
…………….
Have you ever tried and tried but couldn’t sleep at night?
Nearly went insane tried to run to someone to tell you everything’s alright
Yet found no one?
Just silent echoes of your thoughts !
In the midst of the loudness of my insanity ,I found a paper and a pen with my name on it
Tried to turn around from it but it called my name so I had to submit
I put my finger tips on the pen and sketched my deepest emotions through words
With each sentence I could hear my conscience recite it back.. It was like the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard
But even the sweetest thing I ever heard, couldn’t silence the sound of the waterfalls I created
It couldn’t erase the loneliness I felt from the man I always said I hated
They ask where does a lost soul turn to when its all alone?
Who does it look forward to speaking to on the end of the phone, when deep down inside it knows
that’s its on its own
Little me , I waited for daddy to somehow surprise me one day and come home
so I created memories in my mind and id pretend that it was things I remembered
And than one day he came back, I’m not sure when , I think It was a December….
But he didn’t come to stay ,yet to tell us that he’d found another family to call his own
A wife , a baby on the way.. And if moms was cool with it I could come visit if ever I was in his zone
Things is still a blur , but I remember feeling like the fist he used to shove into my mothers face, was used for my heart instead
I wanted to scream, kick, anything …but I stood still , and tried to stop the painful thoughts that ran through my head
And over the years those thoughts that were running through my mind have been chasing me ,cause I’ve been running ever since.
What hurts is not that mommy and daddy didn’t love each other anymore
What hurts is that it seems like LOVE in general was gone and the ideology of A family
Was only portrayed when I’d turn on the TV
I went years and years and years not knowing what It felt like to be hugged, or to ever hear From anyone what “I love you “ sounded like
I became addicted to being alone in a four wall room, stuck with nothing but bitterness, a memory ,Paper , and a pen to write
I learned to cover up my emotions in the face of others, while throwing out soaked scrap paper from my tears
I learned to never trust anyone, to bottle up my true identity ,and never allow anyone to know my fears
To keep it moving, never let anyone know my past and what I wanted my future to be
I TRIED to do what protected me from ever reuniting with that broken girl I couldn’t bare to see
But somehow ……….
I Allowed myself to Trust someone for the first time in my life
And for the first time being human felt right
For the first time hearing “I LOVE you” made me feel like I had a reason to smile
For the first time, I could allow my heart to unfreeze and be warm for a while
I could have faith in another human being with my emotion and I could finally put my pen down
And voice my feelings to someone else
Because I knew this someone else would always make me feel good about myself
However…………… they say you always go after the people that remind you most of your past
Fairy tales just like dreams never Ever last
I never could express why it truly hurted
So ill confess,
It was because through all my confiding, you took me right back to feeling like the little girl who had been deserted
Caused me to constantly go back and forth on this roller coaster ride with another “male” and this feeling of the highs and lows I was something I learned to master
So I stayed ,and allowed you to play games…..
you left me, came back , would yell like I was your property, disrespect me, at times even called me out of my name
And I stayed through the tears,
Tried to hold you down through the years
…….I allowed you to do everything YOU KNOW, I would never do to you
Through the friendship breaking , the love making , unemotional, and the empty laughter’s
Just Because you taught me something I have never in my lifetime known before…
You taught me how to be young,
You taught me how to live
YOU TAUGHT me love
By swept me off the feet
Yet it was by this same broom that you’d dust my heart with
So now just like each phase I’ve been through in my life
I search to find substance in being alone …..
So I reiterate the question that they love me to ask me..
What’s my motivation ? Why do I write?……..
