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Misaligned Loyalties
Folder:
Feel To Heal
Crying, anger, heartache…
In my mind's eye seeing a band aid trying to cover up a sucking chest wound.
This isn't just a me thing, it's a every single sacrifice, every moment of time through generations of hearing, “ the church needs, the pastor needs, the leadership needs”.
Family members, friends, Misaligned, mishandled, told to stay in abusive relationships and marriages due to image and finances. Told to take abuse by people in leadership because higher leadership said they are their friends and we should just automatically trust them.
Yet if we question anything because something isn't right. We are made wrong and every conversation is twisted to suit a narrative and attempted to be used against us.
God told me I have to feel it to heal it. The anger, the betrayals, the lies, abandonment, abuse, neglect, non-transparency, heartache, realization that I did not matter. My mother didn't matter all those years, my older sister didn't matter. The fact that my daughter questioned why a certain person was being a bully and that if that was the God we serve that she didn't want anything to do with him, and I'm told that I'm pushing my child away from God because my daughter for years has heard near every conversation because my daughter lives with me, was there through many late night phone calls of boundaries being broken and me saying I'm unavailable and hearing well you don't work, so you're free. Like the first impression of her hearing the threat of her being taken from her mother over nothing. That person still threatens my daughter. I don't know how. I can tell on certain days because of the same reaction I had with I would deal with that person.
God, Jesus. I'm hurting, angry, wounded. WHY????
These are your people you put over us, my family for generations. People who borrow money from me and tell me I'm a bad steward. People who, when I say I'm struggling with an ex, tell people I'm sleeping with men while waiting for a husband. If I'm vulnerable enough to share anything it's twisted and the narrative is different. I'm a writer and I can't even make this stuff up Jesus. We wonder why I don't trust ministry members, believers, church people. Why even when God blesses me with my husband I'm scared to love especially if he's part of any type of ministry.
I'm trying to heal and it is so hard when you realize you were used, abused, no one really cared for you like you cared for them. You carried people. Who didn't carry you. You made the phone calls? Did the things behind the scenes? Yes, I enjoyed the season of invisibility and God increased my capacity, because I don't like platforms. That same leadership said I shouldn't be carrying that, it's their job, okay that's fine, then why aren't you, leadership team. Why is it the person with the boots on the ground who got the phone call not the one who did things for public relations and in front of vips and the platforms? Please by all means answer me?
