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Tracking and Patterns
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Feel To Heal Let’s face it..
after betrayal, pain, hurt, narratives, many things I won’t allude to.
I tracked and watched patterns, details expecting the worst all while hoping for the best.
I was and am my authentic self.
I didn’t come in asking for anything.
Laid everything on the table to my new leadership.
Humbly asked if it was okay to make it official and was approved to do so.
I wondered why I went through the military training.
Why God made me a very detail oriented person.
Why I research everything
Then God gave me this thing called discernment.
Before making any decisions as always I took it to God first.
The rejection, hurt, pain, words in discouragement over me and my family.
Cliques, nepotism. Season of invisibility where I grew in anointing without applause for quite a long time and continue to do so even within a different place.
Difference being…appreciated instead of tolerated. Valued as an asset instead of treated like a burden. Poured into instead of on top of. Heard, seen, without having to be seen.
There’s time and things I will not get back, however we serve an awesome God who said in his word that he will restore the years.
My therapist told me I have practiced wisdom because I don't just talk the talk but walk the walk. I won’t tell you that life has been easy. Taking up the cross daily. Never easy.
Trusting God when a legacy church denomination you were basically raised in who used spiritual abuse, scripture, your health and anything else you told them about, after telling you to trust them and took advantage of you. I don’t question why people leave churches anymore when certain people who represent him cause harm. I admit even as strong as I am I nearly left God. I questioned God. I was like God. Those are your people. They are focusing on the one incident where I raised my voice and hung up the phone but we don’t bring up what led to that point. All the meetings, communications where I’m handled and not heard but told to forgive and keep apologizing for things I never should have had to apologize for in the first place,told, to just be over things, that I’m rebellious, bitter, have a hard heart when in reality my heart has been and will always be soft or I wouldn't have kept going back after being hurt again and again with the promises of change, words saying change yet no behavior change.
I forgave. I pray. I love, yet I don’t allow access. I'm done. Once God told me to go. I did what he said. I have had peace since then. Grown since then. Spending time with him isn’t a chore but an honor, a privilege. My personal space is clean and organized. Being “authentic” me is nice. No more look, act, be the mold. I can worship freely. Pray freely. Be in t-shirts and tennis shoes and yes I am straight. I was delivered from another lifestyle years ago. God is awesome.
