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Black Balloon
She fell so fast, she couldn’t scream, the night she went to hell.
The fire entranced her empty eyes and she was soon under its spell.
She reached to touch the roaring flames to see if it would burn.
The devil laughed above her shoulder and said she’d never learn.
She felt so cold; she couldn’t breathe, as the fire was blown away.
The ashy ground was calling her back to the grave where she’d been laid.
Her bleeding wrists were beautiful as she etched deeper into the skin.
She felt so weak and pitiful that it had come to this again.
The blood had stained her torn, white dress and the flowers that surrounded.
She tried to escape the easy way, when she thought that she had found it.
Then rain came down to wet her hair and the scars that crossed her heart.
The sky was black as ebony when it finally fell apart.
The angels came in a great crusade to save her tortured soul,
But she hid her wrists. She wiped her eyes and said it was under control.
They emanated a bright white light and the warmth she desperately needed.
They offered her a pair of wings, but in the darkness she receded.
This barren place was home to her, so she thought she’d stay awhile.
Their halos glowed as they flew away, leaving her in her denial.
She looked around and closed her eyes to the fate that she had chosen.
Deep inside, she ached to cry but nothing hurts you when you’re frozen.
Then a rebel angel took her hand as she slept beneath the moon.
He entwined her fingers with the silky ribbon of a delicate black balloon.
He said someday he’d rescue her and teach her how to fly.
He knew she heard him in her dreams as he kissed her cheek goodbye.
He’d fly as fast as he possibly could into the underworld below.
All she had to do was make a wish and let the ribbon go.
The rebel angel tried to leave but the devil made his move.
The angel accepted a crooked deal where he knew that he would lose.
He knew that it would come to this because everything has its price.
The devil grinned vindictively as he handed him the knife.
She looked so peaceful in her hell as he cut the wings that held him
He sacrificed himself for her so she could have his place in heaven.
He’d bear her sins and suffering for all eternity.
The devil took the black balloon and her soul was then set free.
She flew away into the sky never knowing what he’d done.
The angel died inside for her though she never knew his love.
Paper Cut
Paper cut, so small it stings.
Beads of blood on loosened strings.
Paper cut, you make me bleed.
I guess I'm human for all to see.
Paper cut, you're fading fast.
My blood has ceased to drip at last.
Paper cut, you've almost healed.
Please leave a scar so I know you're real.
Paper cut, you're invisible.
But you go deeper than physical.
Paper cut, I know you're there.
Play hide and seek so no one stares.
Paper cut, you help me deal.
You're the only thing that can make me feel.
Sleeping Beauty
My name is sleeping beauty,
And I live inside a dream
This world is just so perfect
It’s so easy to believe.
I see you in the distance.
I see your smiling face.
You hold me like you love me.
With me, forever, you will stay.
If I just keep my eyes shut,
I’ll be free to live this lie.
Escaping from reality,
Ignoring the doubts in my mind.
If only I could stay here.
Please let me never wake.
For kissing me, without true love,
Would cause my heart to break.
Unreachable
I will cross whatever distance.
I will wish on every star.
The sky is falling on me now.
Oh, how I’ve come so far.
And it breaks my heart to look at you,
when you will never see.
I'm standing in front of you,
But you're so unreachable
to me.
For Your Love
For your love, I will forget
Every prayer said in vain.
For your love, I will bleed for you
Cause without it would be pain.
For your love, I will go blind
Just to see the good in you.
For your love, I’ll live a lie
And swear that it’s all true.
For your love, I will count the stars
If the night would never end.
For your love, my tears would flow
Just to drown in you again.
For your love, I will battle fear
And the demons that make you scream.
For your love, I will fall asleep
If you’ll be waiting in my dreams.
For your love I will comfort you
And the scars that never heal.
For your love, I will shed my mask
If you could teach me how to feel.
For your love, I will bear your sins
And wear a crown of thorns.
For your love, I will forgive
Though my conscience may be torn.
For your love, I will walk through hell
If you were doomed to stay.
For your love, I’ll give my wings
So you could fly away.
For your love, I will be your shelter
And protect you from all harm.
For your love, I will take a bullet
If I could die in your arms.
For your love, I’d sacrifice
My life and all my pride.
For your love, I’d do anything
Because at least I know I tried.
Kiss Me Deadly
Kiss me deadly. Hold me steady.
Breathe in me your misery.
This decadence, so bittersweet,
To make this hell so heavenly.
Taste my tears and deepest fears,
Touch my wounds. I pray,
To feel your heartbeat in my chest
And your pain caress my face.
Confess your sins into my lips
And I’ll whisper mine in yours.
Cradle me in your broken wings
So that I may fall some more.
Share with me your darkest dreams
And close your tired eyes.
Hold my hand and drown with me
In a sea of lullabies.
Take away my loneliness
And drink the blood right from my veins.
Give me all that’s left of you
And I will do the same.
Surrender all your weaknesses
And the cross you cannot bear.
Release the anguish that you feel
And I will listen to your despair.
Cripple me with cruelty
That will bring me to my knees.
Let me love the part of you
That the others dare not see.
Let me share your suffering,
So that I may hurt as well.
Trust in me your lovely scars,
Because I will never kiss and tell.
To Love
To love is to give.
To give is to trust.
To trust is to risk.
To risk is to jump.
To jump is to fall.
To fall is to crash.
To crash is to break.
To break is to die.
To die is to cry.
To cry is to feel.
To feel is to live.
To live is to love.
Cut
I’ve bled for you a million times,.
But let me bleed once more.
Just enough to push me over
And leave me breathless on the floor.
I’m standing here in front of you
And I’m handing you this blade.
Cut me up so I feel numb.
Just take away the pain.
Make emotion physical
And make the scars appear.
Make me hurt so much I scream.
Amplify my every fear.
Take your time and do it slow.
Push my back against the wall.
Corner me so I can’t move.
Watch my crimson venom fall.
Kiss my lips as I fade to black.
Stroke your hands against my face.
Make me feel as if you love me.
For a moment, say you’ll stay.
As I slip into the darkness,
There is a secret I must tell.
Before my unforgiving fate
And you leave me with a cruel farewell.
I wish that I was good enough
To fix the pieces of your heart,
To make you feel a little stronger
Though you’ve made me fall apart.
I wish that I could dry your tears
Though you have made me cry.
So cut me loose and I’ll let you go
Because I’ll love you till I die.
Gone Away
I watch you stare into the distance of your sorrows.
It is such a desolate place to be.
You sit so still trying to hold back your tears.
I know because I’ve done that before.
I do it everyday.
But now, it’s taking everything for me not to cry.
I wish that I could take away your pain.
I wish that I could make a river from your tears and sail away into your soul.
I would fix the pieces of your heart with my bare hands.
Then maybe you’d understand.
Even though I cut myself, at least I touched you somehow.
I’ll leave the blood to stain forever.
A mark of what I would do for you no matter how much it hurts.
And then I’ll take my paper boat of love notes and fold it into an airplane.
Before I leave, I’ll take the smallest piece of your broken heart and keep it in mine.
So once I’ve flown away and you’ve forgotten me, you will feel the empty space.
When you least expect it or when the silence loneliness becomes apparent,
You will feel like something is missing.
And you will continue down a road to nowhere,
Trying to ignore the hollowness inside.
And you will never know what you lost because I’m already gone.
I’m already gone.
Forget
It's not easy to forget a small mistake or a lasting regret.
The times you tried but got held back,
The times you lost a second chance,
The words that hurt, that made you cry,
The times you hoped that you'd just die,
The friends you knew or though you did,
The promises made when you were just kids,
The dreams that were shattered, that broke you in half,
The people who took them stole your heart and your laugh.
When you followed your heart that lead you astray,
When your questions weren't answered, all you did was pray.
The times that you waited for something not there,
The times when the pain was too much to bear,
The decisions and choices that turned out to be wrong,
The people you trusted weren't there all along.
The times when you wanted to be someone else,
The times when you looked but couldn't find your own self,
The nights that you wondered why things weren't right,
Because you can't forget memories that haunt you for life.
My Knight in Black Armor
The night is born like funeral flowers. The final breath of a gentle breeze rustles through the weary treetops as if provoking the leaves. The silent wings of a fallen angel cradle the misty clouds. His scent is like a gathering storm that will never reach me. The heavens will not cry for me tonight for mercy is an empty promise that was never mine. And yet the stars shiver with anticipation as a knight in black armor comes through my window.
He is quiet as he serenades my curtains to part for him. He glides to my bedside in reverence as if looking into an open casket. I do not turn or give him any inkling that I am awake. Even in my disregard, he knows that I can feel him there, as the infinite space between our separate worlds becomes smaller. The bed sheets are wrinkled with my insomnia, but he lies himself on top of them, so effortlessly as he has done so many nights before. I keep my eyes shut as his leather clad body inches closer to my back, until his mouth is barely a whisper away from my neck.
The slightest of gasps betrays my lips as his hands pull me in and our fingers entwine. He is cold and dead inside with the intensity of the conflicted ocean, yet he ignites a fire inside me where winter has taken place. I cannot speak and have no need to as his eyes penetrate through the labyrinth of my soul, into the very depths of my heart. The blood in my veins rushes through me like thunder, but he listens to the rain that the chaos overshadows.
"Here in your arms my solemn redeemer, my dark guardian angel so fallen from grace. I surrender my secrets and faith unto you, for here in your shadow, I truly feel safe". These are the words written on the walls of the prison cell inside my mind as a lone violin plays in the background. I do not need iron bars or metal shackles. I wear my apathy like armor. It’s my bulletproof vest when the trigger’s been pulled. I let it consume me because the wounds keep on bleeding, but with you as my tourniquet, the scars seem to fade.
These moments I live for are too fast, too fleeting, and it tears me to pieces when I have to let go. I’m flirting with disaster and I’m wasting my breath, because with little white lies, I soon become colorblind. I’ll tell you the truth, for once I’ll be honest. I hate to admit what I willingly hide. You deserve better than the wreckage I am. I’m coming undone right before your eyes.
I need you to hold me because your chains keep me steady, when the sky crashes down and my world falls apart. I kneel in its ruins when Eden turns to ashes. May these teardrops be my last as they fall upon the sodden earth. My sorrow turns the dirt into morning lilies, which I gather, in my lifeless fingers. I will place them by my tombstone when I’m laid to rest, for only in my dreams can you save me. Only when my eyes are closed, are you flesh and bone.
I know it’s naïve, but sometimes I believe that if I wished hard enough, my wish would come true and I would never wake up. And at the stroke of midnight, you’d appear at my bedside and carry me through my bedroom window. You’d take me with you on your black steed and we’d ride off into the ethereal moonlight. And just like in my bedtime stories, we’d live happily every after in a land far, far away from here…so far away that it doesn’t exist.
But when I am with you, sometimes I believe that a happy ending is not entirely unreachable. It’s a lost cause, I know, for when the daylight breaks, all that is damaged can be seen and somewhere in between is the middle ground for good and evil. Please forgive me because I am selfish. I am a sinner and have no right to ask. I know you’ll be gone when the sun swallows night, but I beg you to stay if only for a while. Tomorrow is inevitable and I can’t face it alone. I’ll fight my own battles if you’ll be at my side. I’ll face my reality when the time comes, for the alarm clock keeps ticking and magic is only an illusion.
“But for now, in this moment, you are real to me. And heaven seems like nothing compared to make believe. So if you could pretend to see what I see, just kiss me goodnight and let me sleep for eternity.”
Trigger
By loving him, I gave him the power to destroy me. Love is a loaded gun that's been pushed right against my heart. And the barrel has just been emptied into my chest. I gave him the gun and let him pull the trigger. I begged him to. Every single shot hit its target. Every shot killed me slowly. Every bullet took its time. I died inside again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again. I've shed my blood for him. I've made the ultimate sacrifice.
But when I look down at my chest, there are no holes. There is no blood. There are no scars. On the outside, I am perfect. No one can tell that I am dead. No one can even notice that I am a walking shell. Nobody but him knows that I am empty inside...just like the barrel of the gun.
Close My Eyes
Please close your eyes.
I don’t want to see.
Falling even faster
To the place you send me.
Your cold is my firelight.
Your tears are my warmth.
The sea’s full of conflict.
But it’s a sheltering storm.
So blue like the waves
That crash on the stones.
Reaching to feel
But drowning alone.
Frost bitten winters
Lay eternally caged
Imprisoned in ice
Your life is a stage.
Tangled in string
You play the role
Following orders
Selling your soul.
Gazing in midnight
Praying for stars
Moon’s tragic lament
Enlighten your scars
Shattered and honest
Unshadowed with lies
I’ll keep your secret.
I’ll close my eyes
Solace of the Heart
Starless nights of sweet deception
Cloak the tears of what we cry.
For in our dreams, our hearts are broken
And reality’s our faithless lie.
The only thing that makes us human
Is the fact that we can feel.
But we are scarred by sympathy
For the corpses on which we kneel.
Stormy skies of Satan’s scorn
Will shower us with blood.
As we pay for sins, that makes us weak
And we look at what we’ve done.
Raptured wings will gather us
From this earth and blessed curse.
Demonic angels will rip our souls
From redemption undeserved.
Left behind are broken children
Who are guests in this masquerade.
They walk the streets of solemn cities
Wishing they would be saved.
With towering walls of shattered glass
Built with nothing but deceit.
They hide behind the emptiness
Of the fate we long to meet.
The memoirs of our many scars
And the malevolence of time
Create a haunting symphony
But to listen would be a crime.
Tangled in this web we weave
Are the words we never say.
A menagerie of wicked rhymes
And the crooked games we play.
Defeated trials of agony
And a field of screams apart
A one way street to a tragic place
Lies in the solace of the heart.
Till It Breaks
My merciful demon, my weakness, my strength, Like angels I’ll fall into your treacherous eyes.
This crippling fear that crumbles my conscience, So guilty of trusting when heavens a lie.
I’m dying so slowly in a pitiful longing, When all that I want is nothing more than this.
An honest betrayal is all that I’m asking, If moments this precious could never exist.
I’d never come up for air if I could Because I feel most alive when I’m drowning in you.
But still I keep pushing and try to deny it, Though you’ve become everything I don’t want to lose.
I wish I could say all the words kept in silence, But I’m breathless, defenseless when you’re so dangerously close.
This secret I’ll keep in a place you can’t see, Because the darkness inside always shows.
I’m so sick of waiting as a slave to your voice, Like a message in a bottle you sent out to sea.
I think that I’m falling into the deep end, But before I can crash, once again you save me.
I thought being empty could spare me from hurting, But letting you in could be my best mistake.
With fragile integrity, I give you my heart, To hold in your fingers and squeeze till it breaks.
Use Me
Walking down the street at night,
Inhaling the urban decay,
You entrap my body with your arms from behind
And you sweep me into a dark alleyway.
You are the drug, the fix I need,
I yield to you for I am defeated.
You keep me falsely satisfied
With a lie that we both needed.
Safely in danger, enslaved by your eyes,
Igniting a burn in my cells,
Savoring each of your desperate sighs,
An erotic heavenly hell.
Trying to control an itch in my skin,
Forcing you closer to me.
Longing for you to feel me from within,
Setting my inhibitions free.
Your lips steal my breath, if only to keep it,
Locked in your kiss, do whatever you will.
Push me as hard as you possibly can
Because you’re the only thing holding me still.
You awaken what has died inside
As you whisper words that aren’t true.
You know that I don’t mean it either,
When I say “I love you too”.
I’m yours to control, to manipulate
I’ll pretend since none of it is real.
Obsessed with the way your touch makes me numb,
For a moment the wounds seem to heal.
So cruel are your hands, to tempt and to tease
I beg yet you’re unforgiving.
You know what I want, this agonizing bliss,
Because I feel like I’m almost living.
Unbearable torture, this raw lust and passion,
Like honey you poisoned to satisfy my craving.
My back to the wall despite my intentions,
I deny that I need your saving.
Since love is a lie, the sweetest deception,
Use me to use you, I keep asking for more.
This false sense of feeling we both understand,
The Fire
I’m sorry that I pushed you beyond the point of no return.
Would the fire be just as fierce if I had let it burn?
I tried to stifle the growing flames until I could feel no more.
And yet I died a thousand deaths even colder than before.
Could you find the little girl that‘s lost inside of me?
The honest one who’s unafraid to feel more than apathy.
For you can make me rise above the wall I’ve built so high.
I tell myself you’re just a friend, but my heart says that’s a lie.
All my resolve and common sense slips like water through my fingers.
To quench the fire I long to feel yet the warmth still seems to linger.
Your eyes can see right through my skin into what my scars contain.
I’m stumbling to say the words that my heart cannot explain.
It’s hard for me to open up when all my doors are closed.
Yet you can captivate and tame the thorns upon this rose.
You melt the ice that freezes me when I can think of no excuses,
To make the distance infinite when defenses are rendered useless.
In my own strange way, I count on you, just so I could know you’re there.
But when I’m standing next to you, I wonder if you even care.
I hope that I am not too late or have you drowned the smoke in rain,
Until the shadows overtake and the ashes are all that remain.
I didn’t want to fall for you but I’m on the brink of giving in.
This constant hurting is a battle where I am weak and cannot win.
For what it’s worth, I think of you, and it keeps me up awake at night.
So I pray for god to give me sleep and keep you safe till mornings light.
I won’t be brought down to my knees. Just give me a swift release.
I’ll fade again into the darkness and with you I’ll make my peace.
I'll take a leap of faith on you and jump the bridge less taken,
Though you may not be at the bottom, thus leaving me forsaken.
But if you could find it in your heart to feel the way I do for you,
I’ll go for broke and walk through fire since I have nothing left to lose.
Because my heart is as empty as yours.
Adam’s Apple
If only I could be the apple of your eye,
Would you see past the poison to the beauty inside?
Would you risk your damnation to taste the sweetness within?
Could a snake tempt your hand into a decadent sin?
If someone else picked me, would I seem more appealing?
Would you want what’s not yours, for the sake of a feeling?
Do you reach through the branches, though the fruit is forbidden?
To feel your hands on my skin, what I wouldn’t have given.
Do you care if I wither, if my leaves ceased to grow?
I die a little each time, but I can’t let you know.
I am out on a limb, though it may end up breaking.
With my heart on the line, it’s a chance that’s worth taking.
I don’t regret trying, though you keep pushing away.
Could you still try to save me, though I’m bruised and decayed?
I’ll be patiently waiting for as long as I can,
Until hell freezes over and you’re the last one to stand,
But if by chance you’re too late and my stem’s broken free,
Just remember that apples don’t fall far from the tree.
Weakness
How can temptation be so sweet, when longing only ends in misery?
Can bleeding be the only way that the tears and heartache can be seen?
Am I the fool who jumps headfirst, knowing there will be a bitter end?
Is this moment of ignorant bliss worth going through the motions again?
Can promises bring a wall to the ground even when your fingers are crossed?
Are heroes still heroes when they’ve been defeated? Are they still immortal when they’ve lost?
Can fire still ignite the winter’s cold though the flames have been blown away?
Can loneliness be given wings if I got on my knees and prayed?
Why do roses come to life though their petals will be picked one by one?
Should I count on fate to pull the trigger when there are no more bullets in the gun?
Am I the rebel with a long lost cause who thinks that it’s worth fighting for?
Am I a sinner for giving in because all I want is more?
Could dreams come true if I believed the lies and fairy tails?
If I take the chance, is it worth the risk, though I know I’m doomed to fail?
Do you think you would hear the ocean crash if you held my heart against your ear?
If I asked you to, would you run away with me and take me anywhere but here?
Would this cruel world of six billion people feel empty without you there?
Do stars fall faster because the weight of wishes is too much to bear?
Would rain be drawn from heavens sorrows if a thunderstorm should break?
Can hate consume an empty shell when there is nothing left to take?
Would a shattered mirror reveal my soul, if I looked deep enough?
Is weakness just another word for wanting to feel your love?
Headlights in My Eyes
My angel left me long ago so now to hell I ride.
I feel a burning coming on as bullets and flesh collide.
I laugh because I did my deed in order to gain their trust.
The car speeds off and in its wake I leave my mercy in the dust.
My days are filled with violence and my nights are caged by fear.
Salvation is a concrete thing but I know that it’s not here.
Deep inside I wonder why my life has lead to this,
As my face gets pounded to the ground with their love in the form of a fist.
At least I found a family with a gang of crimson brothers.
I’m blind to who’s my enemy but I know that I have others.
I do the things they tell me to because I’m tempted by their lies.
I’m blind to what I’m fighting for and it’s like headlights in my eyes.
They paint their colors into my skin with a needle that leaves a scar.
Now I’m branded as one of them and if I leave I won’t get far.
My rage is blazing in my soul as I mark brick walls with red.
Possession counts as what we own like the streets that have no end.
I take some drugs to get me high because it fills the hole in my chest.
With every shot of alcohol, I’m becoming less and less.
This endless battle is never won and the warriors can’t refuse.
I know that I have nothing left but there’s still so much to lose.
This underworld is consuming me with a fire as bright as sun.
I guess I’ll wait for judgment day when I’m at the wrong end of the gun.
Hemlock
My demons lay in waiting and I can’t seem to get to sleep.
The nighttime draws on all my fears but it’s my secrets that they keep.
My sins are laced with selfishness and a perfume of kerosene.
An empty heart is set ablaze but the soul remains unclean.
Intentions weave such tragedy and the road to hell is paved.
Temptation never ceased to swell for the things that I most crave.
A moment’s worth its weight in pearls for the beauty of vampire’s song.
Yet fate is cruel to me again because the timing is all wrong.
But part of me wants something more than a world that plays for gain.
I ache to walk on that solid line where the pleasure meets the pain.
I’m so afraid to find myself, but I long to taste what’s bittersweet.
My hands can’t help but reach for more when all I want wasn’t meant to be.
I guess I’m scared to close my eyes. I can’t face these thoughts that quietly rest.
For inside these dreams I find pieces of you, all twisted together with tears and cement.
It could be a phase, a minute of weakness and yet on the edge, I still feel unsure.
Maybe I’m dying and sick of the reasons why needles hurt more than the actual cure.
I want something real; a high better than drugs but nothing that matters ever comes for free.
If people can change then maybe you’re different. Maybe the poison is really what I need.
Tomorrow
Everything that’s good in me is everything that’s you.
You’re the guy who’s in my heart, who I compare all others to.
Whenever I’m with someone else, your face is what goes through my head.
And though I try to think of them, deep down I wish it was you instead.
My armor slowly crumbles down and there’s no place I can escape.
Unraveling, you keep me strong and yet unstable in your gaze.
I’m balancing upon the edge. The ground beneath seems far away.
And if I jumped, I wonder if you’d fall for me and save the day.
You know my ways and reckless deeds. Your name is written upon my tears.
And on my lips, the words just die; a secret that I have learned to fear.
I am ashamed of who I am and the person that I have become,
But you bring out the best in me when my faith is next to none.
I’ve made mistakes I can’t forgive and yet there’s one I still regret.
I wish I could go back in time, back to that day when we first met.
If I had made a different choice, then my life may have been better.
Maybe I’d feel happiness if you and I were still together.
The truth is that the past is gone, a time of waste and sorrow.
It can’t be changed or meddled with, but I’ll still have hope tomorrow.
So seize the day and take a risk. For you I’ll give everything I’ve got.
Don’t let this moment pass you by. Take a chance and give us one more shot.
Always
I see you cry my lonesome friend, for I was born when you came to me.
Say you'll sleep inside my house, just one more night; I'll take your lead.
You're safe with me. I swear I'll try to heal your wounds somehow.
I'll take your burden into my arms and fill your void for now.
Your beating heart is just like mine, and as it breaks, I feel it too.
The moment's come to bear my soul, but I'm too scared so close to you.
I'm weaker than I will admit, but I am your rock as you often say.
If I was sure, I'd confide in you, but it's hard to trust in you that way.
I'm here to save you once again. It hurts me too when you're in pain.
Your hold on me is killing me because I know that you don't feel the same.
In my arms, you fall asleep. I barely breathe because I'm still awake.
There's so much I wish I could say but I'll only give what you will take.
I love you more than you'll ever know. I wish I didn't have to care this much,
But for you I'll die every single time because I come alive at your touch.
When you wake up, I'll be next to you and I'll never expect anything in return.
I wish that I could walk away, and then maybe someday you will learn.
I know this time won't be the last. This vicious cycle will never end.
I'll wait for you to come running back. I'm not your hero, just your friend.
These words are often left unsaid because I know that I'm the one you need.
When you can't turn to anyone, right here waiting, I'll always be.
Spring Will Never Come
Morning light shines through the clouds in the grayest of blue skies.
Winter wind is drowning her as her tears release in sighs.
The trees are dying just like her with every passing day.
Holding on to any hope that maybe spring will come her way.
Her flesh is turning black and blue with every gasping breath,
A raw and frigid agony that leaves her begging for her death.
She’s fragile as the fallen snow though her heart’s as hard as stone.
She’s reaching for a hand to hold though she knows she’s all alone.
Misery is company since dead ends seem to come in pairs.
And all the while, she’s wishing for a slightly lighter cross to bear.
The moon is all that’s guiding her. A fire so still, it burns at night.
The stars so pale in all their glory are such a bleak and tragic sight.
The snow falls down like hells own fury as if the lonesome angels weep.
The darkness feels like rain to her when the nightmares help her sleep.
She fought against the crushing tide of reasons why she could not stay.
She lost herself and all her faith when waves of doubt swept her away.
She builds a castle made of ice, a refuge where she’s trapped inside.
She calls it home forever more, eclipsed with walls where she can hide.
Solitary in her prison of beauty twisted with despair,
A wasteland of her innocence as her soul is buried there.
She saw her fate with lying eyes that longed to taste the sweetest sorrow,
Of never waking to the dawn of another cold tomorrow.
If only love could bring her mercy and warm her broken heart, so numb.
Then winter’s frost would fade away, but she knows spring will never come.
Ghost
You are the ghost I’ll lay to rest if only you let me be.
Stop tempting me and let my live in my lonely apathy.
I never want to long again for something that’s not mine.
That never was and never will be, even though I give it time.
I want to bury every lie that I have brought upon myself.
The useless dreams and hopes I had of being loved by someone else.
I want to sleep without the fear that waking will bring despair.
My tomb would be more bearable if your presence wasn’t there.
In the arms of devastation, your eyes are like the world I know,
The darkest place I long to be when I have nowhere else to go.
Your voice is like a two edged sword that makes me die inside.
And yet I long for scars to bleed, to have some proof that I’m alive.
A half-life doomed to bitterness is the fate I’ll have and hold;
A gathering storm I cannot feel because the flesh has gone so cold.
I look into the broken mirror and the ghost that I’ve become.
A fragment of my mortality and yet I see no one.
I wish the earth could swallow me, open up and let me in,
Condemned to drown in emptiness and the solace of my sins.
Let me rest in pieces now, into the grave I’ll take my love.
And dig until I reach the bottom because six feet isn’t deep enough.
Love and Hate
I love the way you look at me and you see someone else.
I hate the way I’d be next to you and you didn’t know how I felt.
I love the way I would bow my head so you wouldn’t see me cry.
I hate it when I see you smile, because I feel almost alive.
I love the way you watch me fall, but never hear me scream.
I hate the way you hold me close, just to find it was only a dream.
I love the way you pound the nails as I am crucified.
I hate that glimmer of undying hope as I look into your eyes.
I love the way you rape my soul into psychological damnation.
I hate the way you’d be the one to bring me to salvation.
I love the way you push me down, as I drown in my own tears.
I hate the way I think of us growing older through the years.
I love the way you’ve left me here because I’ve learned to be alone.
I hate that if the world would end, you’d be the one that I’d miss most.
I love the way you light the fire as I’m burning at the stake.
I hate the way I love you still though I knew my heart would break.
I love the way you make me bleed as I put the razor to my wrist.
I hate the way I’d die in your arms if only we could kiss.
I love the way you torture me with the hell you put me through.
I hate the way I’d give up heaven just to be with you.
Beauty of a Scar
I could say I love you in a thousand different ways.
The silence is so deafening but the damage always stays.
I never knew until this moment what the meaning was of pain.
Will you tell me if the truth is written on the walls?
When every path goes either way, help me choose which way to crawl.
If I could run, I’d never move because I’m too scared to fall.
Will you take a walk with me for just a little while?
I’m blinded by your empathy and your captivating smile.
My sleepless nights don’t cradle me but I’ll still go on for miles.
My paper house is burning now but the flames are all I see.
I feel the heat it emanates but the cold won’t seem to leave.
I wonder if you feel it too, but maybe it’s just me.
I’m tired of talking to myself and my imaginary friends.
The beauty of a scar is how the bleeding never ends.
I cut too deep this time around but I’ll still do it again.
And though it never satisfies, I’ll trade a dollar in for lust.
I’ll play it safe. I’ll play the game because I’m terrified to trust.
This wreckage takes me to your grave yet my ashes turn to dust.
I force a laugh that helps to drown the sound of all my screams.
The nightmares are my enemies but you’re the demon of my dreams.
This hush has caught me by the heart and I forget to breathe.
There’s something dark inside of me that divides my armored soul.
You fill the void, the empty space but I still feel there’s a hole.
I try to find my solid ground but I’m losing my control.
I try to reach for something more but you left me standing still.
Addicted to this fantasy, I’m denied my pretty pill.
I’m lovesick for the world to see but I know you never will.
The Wall
Brick by brick, she builds a wall so no one can come inside.
Safe and sound in the silent darkness, she tilts her head and cries.
Withered blossoms from trees outside fall like whispers into her hand,
With the lovely grace of an unanswered prayer too tragic to understand.
She hides inside this empty place so her scars will not be seen.
The midnight sun shines cold and stiff, as she sinks to the depths of her dreams.
Imprisoned in her paradise of the life she once created,
Of everything that could have been, but now everything she hated.
Her bitter tears of loneliness are all that greet her when she wakes.
No one’s there to comfort her when it’s more than she can take.
She thought that time would numb the pain so she told herself a lie.
She poured her misery into an hourglass and begged the leaden wings to fly.
And then an angel fell from the sky. He froze her ashes into fire.
He warmed her heart in the deepest way, so she built her wall up higher.
She stole away into the shadows, hoping he would go.
Leaving her to bear the weight of the sorrow he’d never know.
She’s so afraid to let him in, so scared to shed her disguise.
But it was as if he could see right through her when he looked into her eyes.
She turned away so he wouldn’t notice that she wanted him so much.
She longed to feel his hand in hers, but she was dead to the human touch.
Ignoring every word he said, she fell victim to despair.
Knowing that, when she needed him, she’d find he was never there.
He’d be another empty promise, a void that never filled.
She tried to fight from falling faster, but something held her still.
He gave her hope she’d die to have, if only it was true.
She’d take the plunge and risk everything, even though she’d lose.
All she wanted was his love, an eternity to drown.
He echoed through her soulless shell, and her wall came crumbling down.
In the quiet of defenselessness, waving a white flag for defeat,
Surrendering to gravity, she let herself believe.
Because if only for a moment, her perfect world was real,
At least her heart of stone would know what it was like to feel.
Confession
I’m broken when I’m by myself, a piece of jagged glass.
Longing for an answer to a question I won’t ask,
Only you can see the stars as morning comes to pass.
Visions seem to slowly fade but memories seem to stay.
Every time we get too close I just have to turn away.
You tempt me into giving in when walls all fall apart.
Only you are strong enough to penetrate my heart
Underneath this bitter smile, I wish that I could cry.
Angel eyes, like yours in mine, see right through my disguise.
Do you hear me when I tell you the things I’m scared to feel?
Are my words too complicated for this confession to be real?
Maybe if you read between the lines, my words will all reveal…
This Is Love
Take it to the limit. Push until you crush your bones and don’t let anything stop you. Reach for the stars. Be fearless, unafraid. Live in the moment. No consequences. Never regret yesterday. Jump even if you see the bottom. When you crash, let it shatter you. Let your tears explode into a scream. Let the pain consume you. It is infinite for a moment and forever.
Then get back up. Rise above your weaknesses and agony. Play the field. Be open, ambitious. Light my fire and all its’ fury. Burn your bridges and swim to the other side. It’s ok to drown. Let it pull you under. Hold your breath. Don’t let anything pass you by. Never let go even if it slips through your fingers. And if it does, run after it until your legs collapse. Let the chase thrill you, drive you.
Put it all on the line. Go out on a limb and keep going forward. Don’t look back. You have nothing to lose. Give up? Give in? Never. But I’ll always give you everything. I’m giving you the best of me, all of me. So go on. Take it. Take my breath away. Kiss me. Slam me against a wall. Show me what it’s like to feel you inside me. Skin on skin. Hard and fast. No apologies. No excuses. If this is a mistake, make it. Take a chance and say it.
I’m bleeding through my honesty but I have a little faith. I’ll lie to you if you want me to, but I want you. I really do. Do I dare say how I really feel? To hesitate, I can’t erase what I so desperately want to tell you. There’s too much at stake but to me you’re always worth it.
So here it goes. I’ll bear my soul just one last time even if it burns my pride. I’m recklessly crazy and I think more with my heart than with my head, but underneath all of that, I’m terrified. I feel so small compared to you because to me you are perfect. Nothing more, nothing less.
I love you. I don’t know why, but I do. It’s so hard to say. So simple and fragile, beautiful and complicated. But I love you. I thought you should know that. If only you’d look at me and let me in. Maybe I’m everything you’re searching for. Maybe you’ll break my heart. But before you do, look into my eyes and see me. Really see me and know that no one will ever love you more than I do.
I love you in a way that kills me every time I try to move forward. A love and longing that keeps me awake and never ceases to give me peace. A love that is unrequited and unreasonable, but so strong and unbearable that it keeps me alive as I’m dying. So now I surrender because I have nothing to lose. I have nothing except time and an empty space. I love you.
Please let that be enough.
Been Better
It’s been raining all day;
A different shade of gray to mark every hour,
Taste of spite and malice turn from bitter to sour.
Every ounce of feeling is amplified to nothing.
I wonder if the emptiness was better than feeling something.
Ache
By Muriel Palanca
Hell is loving someone. Hell is not a physical entity such as fire and brimstone, but more of a state of mind and a seduction of the heart. It is the compromise of ones own being for another. Love is a selfless act of sacrifice without reckoning that often leaves a person forsaken. There is no redemption from hell but the people who end up there do not know that. Hell is not only a place for the sinners but for the foolish. In hell, a person dies a slow death, immensely slow.
You see, time stops in hell. A thousand years of torment will not cause the hands of a clock to shift even a second. In a world of chaos and uncertainty, time gives people the illusion that they can control something. It is a way to measure eternity with grains of sand and numbers on a calendar. But time always keeps us waiting.
In hell, people sleepwalk through the deluded notion that someone will save them. They dream that, one day, someone will prove to them that their prayers were not unheard. Some say that hell is the absence of hope, but it is not. Hell is the presence faith that is slowly being corrupted by doubts of an aching heart. It is reality creeping into the bliss of ignorance as Eden becomes a barren wasteland.
Hell is the all consuming desperation that you are infected with when you have become addicted to someone. The devil is the dealer and that someone is your pretty little pill. That someone is your temporary high, your saving grace, your private poison and your downfall. They take away your pain for a moment, only to give you ten times more later. When all is numb, they give you the rush and adrenaline that shoots you straight up to heaven. And then you fall, with elegance and rapture as you descend into the underworld.
Hell is loving someone so much, you wish that you could hate them. You want to hate them until it makes you quiver and you can’t breathe. You want every cruel denial, every silent rejection to turn your heart into stone. You want to be so close to them, you don’t feel anything except cold. You want it to be easy to walk away, but it’s not. Nothing worth it is ever easy.
You are a junkie to that evanescent feeling of nirvana and would sell your soul just to have another taste. You are a slave to that fleeting moment of peace because nothing else is sweeter. You would do anything for it because all you want is more. He is everything that you were too afraid to want and never dared ask for. He is every good thing that you never deserved and are too selfish to resist. There is guilt of wanting something you can’t have, but the angel on your shoulder is giving in to temptation. Your quiet voice of reason beckons to you but the only thing you hear is you heartbeat screaming in your head.
Yes, hell is loving someone. It is the overdose of ecstasy that feels like being pulled apart inside. It is also quiet and unrelenting like a frozen lake on a winter night. On the surface, it is a flawless piece of glass in which your reflection stares back at you with apathy. The ice is deceptively still and unshakable, but if you don’t watch your step, you’ll end up drowning. You will freefall through the infinite black, always reaching for someone but never finding a hold.
It is a feeling of abandonment. Hell is cowering in the corner of an empty house that is decaying from within. The shutters are wind chimes that clatter against the paper walls as a beautiful day passes by. But you would never notice it because the windows are boarded up so that you never have to know what you are missing. The solitary beam of sunlight through the cracks is the only reminder that the world will never stop spinning when you want it to. Though years of neglect have worn away any warmth or hope, the door will always remain open because he just might come back for you. He is home to you and without him, there is no other sanctuary.
Hell is a prison that does not need bars or iron gates. The inmates are simply chained there by their unwillingness to move on and let go. Hell is waiting for someone to call you, to reach for you. So you sit by the phone and wait for it to ring. You are too afraid to leave because you want to be there if and when it finally happens. You become bound because it would kill you to miss what could be the most important call of your life. You never want to go through the agony of regret and asking “What if?”
Hell is losing yourself. It is the stripping away of your soul until you are no longer human. It is the unraveling of sanity and your will to live until you are nothing more than a distortion of what you used to be. Hell is casting your heart into the sea, hoping to never feel the bitterness and suffering that is accompanied by love. But all you end up doing is tasting the salt of your tears in the ocean.
With love comes understanding, acceptance, expectation and forgiveness. Understanding often leads to acceptance. Expectation is what causes the need for forgiveness. Forgiveness is the most important and also the most deadly. The things that most people forget to bring into a relationship are caution and a bulletproof vest. Some people give love thinking that they have absolutely nothing to lose. But loving someone gives you something to lose, everything to lose. It is a trick of the light in which you see what you want to see, a blaze of passion that leaves you blind. You jump from the edge, never noticing that it is a drop that ends with a rock solid kiss with the ground. By the time you realize that the scar is bleeding through, it is too late. The wound is too deep to ever heal.
Hell is a place for the lost causes. It is a place where denial rains on a ghostly day and the sound of thunder is a constant requiem to the lonely. It is a place where every resident carries a torch that will always burn for a person who has long since forgotten them. It is a place where destiny means fate and eternity really does mean forever. It is a place where the sun will never rise and mourning is the only promise kept.
When all is said and done, hell is just this: It is the moment of shattering clarity when you realize that, in the end, you are all alone. You are all alone.
Eclipse
The world went dark for a moment. Ring around the sun
I see the couples. I see their happy faces and their laughter, Holding hands, unguarded smiles, whispering secrets that don’t include anyone else but themselves. I see them holding each other in public, giving sweet kisses that I pretend not to see. I avert my eyes and look at the floor tiles. They come in various colors, all shapes and sizes. I look at the walls or shops in the mall. I look at other people. Some make eye contact and then look away. I feel like an intruder in their world, not really welcome into their circles. I can’t force myself to fit, this jagged piece with my rough edges and my cold heart. I realize that I am not jealous of these people. I don’t envy them. I don’t want to take their happiness. They may not deserve to be happy but I do not judge them. I’m in this crowd of people and yet I am alone. I feel empty. There is nothing in my heart. There is nothing in my chest. I breathe but the air is suffocating
We watch the city burn to cinders. Firelight in your eyes cause a kindling in my heart, a bleeding of my senses into the smoke blackened sky. Under the cover of darkness, we slip away into someone else’s memory so as not to be forgotten. This is the only thing that I will remember because I choose to. It is the only think worth living for even if every second kills me. Because of you, I am more than myself. I can see with perfect clarity that there was a purpose for every moment spent in waiting, tears that went unshed and the time that seemed to pass in longing.
The Greatest Love
I’ll lay the sky down before your feet in stars of brightest gold.
I saw your tears of diamonds as they froze in bitter cold.
For once I had the rarest rose that was ever brought to bloom.
Then winter took my love from me and my flower died too soon.
Her coffin never saw the light for fear she’d burn away.
I never saw the sun again. In her darkness I chose to stay.
With her I sealed a promise that I swore I’d never break.
Her reckoning was on my neck but I’d give her all she’d take.
My days felt like eternity but with her, a second past.
With every breath I loved her more and I would until my last.
At night I knew what rapture was because I found it in her eyes.
It went beyond sweet ecstasy and the whispers of her sighs.
I felt her heat consuming me just like the bloodlust in our veins.
She scored my flesh and I was hers but I surrendered all the same.
She took my soul and gave it wings from a hell that we both shared.
To be with her was paradise and heaven would never compare.
I’d lie awake and watch her sleep because her face was so at peace.
I forgot the world was cruel outside because this angel made me believe.
I knew that I was falling fast into something greater than my control.
For deep inside my emptiness she was there to make me whole.
I remember on that tragic night when I woke to find her gone.
It’s still so hard to say the words for the sight I came upon.
In the forest I saw a fire that burned to a midnight sky.
I heard her scream in agony and my name was her final cry.
I saw them laugh as she turned to ash and my heart was filled with hate.
Not for them, but for myself because I knew that I’d come too late.
I played those scenes over again. First I’d pause and then rewind.
Every night I wake and run. It’s me that saves her every time.
A thousand ways, all different, I somehow pull through for her.
And all of this is just a dream. Things will be just as they were.
But this is real, this place I’m in; a shuttered house except for me.
Decaying all my memories
In my dreams it’s better there because I save her every night.
with every touch she gave.
Her loneliness and my defeat somehow brought us both together
But deep inside I think I knew that with her I’d spend forever
Bloodlust in my veins… scored my flesh..consume
Watch you sleep
For there never was in all the world a greater love than mine
My worst pains are where I find you but you’re not there anymore.
Chained
I see you everyday; a dying light but a fire awakened inside.
For a moment, I felt something real and dangerous.
It was beautiful like a rose just before the winter frost.
And I loved you with every breath,
With every shiver that went through my skin.
My heart was free and open.
For a second, I was not hindered or burdened.
I surrendered to your eyes and I was yours.
I do not know you and yet you are the one.
Never did the universe seem so small and trivial
Because all I saw as you
Maybe we are doomed for all eternity, but you were meant for me.
I fear that I am chained however.
And so are you.
I pray that you are ugly inside; disfigured and cold like so many statues.
For it would be a greater tragedy if you were my match and my missing piece because
The last thing I need is an alibi, a reason to care so badly it hurts.
The last thing I need is to love you.
Paranoia
I can feel you lurking behind me. My heart flutters and quickens.
Rush of blood to the head, to the chest.
For a moment I forget to breathe and the urge to run is one I must deny.
It’s all in slow motion; cold sweat, eyes burning through my skull.
I walk.
Bones crushing together; each step an eternity.
Every scream terrified, amplified, clawing at my insides
But the beast must be tamed.
Oh god I want to cry. Home is miles away.
The street is wet and illuminated, empty and suffocating.
I feel you closing in. Your footsteps are a whisper creeping under my skin,
Into my lungs making my fingertips numb, clutched so tight in a chokehold,
Tearing my soul into shreds. I’m dead inside, trapped in the coffin, buried alive.
Breaking. Vulnerable. Insignificant. Will no one miss me when I’m gone?
Panic. Raw undiluted fear. Weakness. Rage. Power. Survival.
So close; you’re right behind me.
The wind picks up; howls.
Chilled to the bone. Skin tightens.
I hear my name. Quiet.
I turn around.
The street is empty.
There is no one there.
