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A Glimpse of Heaven
A Glimpse of Heaven
By Muriel Palanca
There are things in my life that come and go like the constant change of tides. There are moments of joy and moments of sorrow, moments of rapture and moments of defeat. There are many days filled with worry and trouble, but there are also glorious nights of dreams and make believe. The only constant with the tides is the moon’s gravity which keeps its perfect chaos in control. It is the moon that protects the sleeping people of earth and gives them peace of mind from time to time. And for me, it is a normal yet extraordinary guy named Adam who is one of the few stable constants in my life when the pandemonium of sheer existence seems to be too much. I dare say that the man in my heart and the man on the moon are one in the same.
Every morning, before classes start, I visit my boyfriend Adam in his homeroom. Usually, it is I who has to go out of my way to find him if he is not there. I end up walking around the school, casually browsing the cafeteria or hoping that I bump into him in the hallway. I will admit that it is quite pathetic to be the one doing all of the work, but to me, he is worth it. My mother says that I should let him come to me, or just not go to him at all. Maybe then he would miss me and wonder where I am. When it comes to the man on the moon, I never have to wonder where he is. He is always in the night sky when I need him. All I have to do is look up and he is there. It is almost as if he has been anxiously waiting for me the whole morning to come back from school. He has purposefully placed himself in the most perfect position in the sky so that, the moment that I look up, I see him there glowing because I have taken time to find him.
When I finally do meet up with Adam, we either aimlessly walk through the hallways or go back to his homeroom and chat about what has been going on with our lives. It is somewhat forced conversation on my part because he already knows everything about me. There is a comfort there in which I can tell him anything and know that he will listen. I trust him and he accepts me for who I am. Sometimes though, it feels as if I am all by myself. Here I am, spilling out my soul and Adam just refuses to confide in me. I know that he is listening to me but his solitary silence is like that of the moon. I feel as if I am a child talking to that great celestial orb in the sky. I am a child who is naive and faithful because I keep hoping that I will receive a response or some sort of inkling of emotion.
I know that Adam finds it difficult to be vulnerable. He is stubborn but strong and hard as a rock. He has also been deeply hurt. Though unlike the moon’s conspicuous craters, his scars are not as easily seen. He is quiet and stoic, sometimes, to the point of frustration on my part. Like the moon, he only shows me what he wants me to see, the optimist who sees the glass as half full, never revealing his dark side. Though Adam finds it difficult to show me the pain that he hides, it is that part of him that most intrigues me. It is similar to believing that the moon is made of cheese. (I personally think it is Swiss, but that is just me.) All of the scientists with their PhD’s and cold hard facts can tell me that the moon is a big hunk of rock that is orbiting earth, but I don’t think that I will ever believe them until I land on the moon and taste it for myself. Adam pretends that he is fine and swears that he is tough enough to handle everything on his own, but I can never be sure unless he trusts me enough to let me see his weaknesses. It is okay if he is not as strong as he makes himself out to be. I am not expecting a knight in shining armor. Even hero’s need to be saved sometimes and it is my love for him that pushes me to risk everything just to help him.
Because I love him, it upsets me even more when he pulls away from me, both physically and emotionally. Even if he is two feet away from me, it feels as if there are a million miles between us. Even when we are alone, he never touches me. He always keeps me at a distance. I tell myself that it is just a phase that will pass as the month progresses but it seems that he is trapped in neutral. It is as if I am stuck on earth and he is lost in a desolate sea of black. I wish that I could tie a lasso around him and force him to come closer, but I want him to come to me on his own terms. He is too afraid to ask the stars to help him find his way back home, back to me. Then again, men are not good at asking for directions anyway.
Adam is one of the few genuinely good people that I have ever met. He is self sacrificing and tries to put others needs before his own. Before I met Adam, I always knew that I could take care of myself. I never really relied on anyone because they always ended up letting me down. Though I, myself, have tried to be cautious in whom I trusted, I have put my faith in him. This is why it is even more crushing when he betrays me, purposefully or not. Resembling a solar eclipse, it only happens once in a blue moon, but when he does hurt me, it seems like the sky is crashing down around me. Like the moon covering the sun, he turns my world into a place of sinister shadows. For a moment that feels like forever, all of the warmth and joy is swept away by a dark, penetrating misery that goes straight to my soul, into the very depths of my heart. Then, with a sincere apology and deep brown puppy dog eyes, the sun reappears as if God was making light for the first time. I can’t help but forgive him because love him. Loving him is like the fear, excitement and dread of taking a giant leap of faith from a rocket ship, into the unknown. My love for him is also blind because I keep looking into the light. I guess I am just a blissfully ignorant lunatic.
It is said that the moon can make people crazy, hence the word “lunatic”. There is even a mystical creature known as a werewolf that is unleashed from an infected human being whenever the full moon forms once a month. Maybe it is an understatement to say that Adam has this effect on me. He makes me feel alive in ways that I can only describe as a miracle. He drives me crazy and messes with my head until I am singing a drunken lullaby to the midnight sky. He inspires me with a passionate fire that burns with the silent power of icy moonbeams through a misty window. He awakens the beast inside of me that has a never ceasing craving for the bittersweet decadence of tragic love. Yet, he has also tamed me, the way a prince can tame a barbed rose, making him responsible for what happens to my heart. Maybe I am crazy, but his hold on me has me so infatuated that I do not ever want to let go, not for all the stars in the universe.
There is a theory that if the moon did not exist, the ocean’s waves would rise into a formidable tidal wave and destroy all of mankind, leaving ruin in its’ wake. Some people say that they could not fathom what the world would be like if it ended. It may come in the form of fire or ice. My apocalypse comes in the form of a person. If Adam did not exist in my life, I would drown just like the billions of faceless people who are already dead inside. It would be a slow asphyxiation of all the things that I cannot face on my own. I would be so cold inside without his ethereal glow to guard my dreams and control my demons. I would be buried alive by self doubt and hatred if his immense kindness did not keep me grounded. My heart would turn into a perilous black hole if his love was not there to save me. I think that people on earth take the moon for granted and they depend on it more than they even realize. I know that I probably depend more on Adam than I am willing to admit. But unlike some of these people, I can imagine an apocalypse without the moon. I can also imagine how empty the world would be if Adam was not in it. But even if he, himself, is here on earth with me, his heart might as well be the moon millions of miles away; a stunning glimpse of heaven that remains so desperately out of my reach.
