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12pm thoughts
the night that i met you... i was with some friends and we picked you up at the pizza shop at the corner and at the time little did I know your house was right down the street from there. we were all crammed in the car like a bunch of sardines but you were sitting next to me so I didn't mind. We made it to your friends house, I still remember how to get there after all this time I still drive by sometimes to see if it still stands. I remember you sitting on the couch, you had a beer in your hand and a cigarette in the other and so did I and you looked at me and I couldn't help but smile and look away. after I built up enough courage I went over to sit beside you, turning on our once favorite song and we both sang along to it. it was around 3 in the morning and we were sitting on the porch talking, pretty sure we were half lit and it was just us two and I kissed you and my god I have never felt a kiss like that before in my life, it still lingers on my lips after over a year.
The next weekend you invited me to your house, so I decided I would go. I showed up and I could tell you were nervous and so was I but as soon as you seen me you wrapped your arms around me and I didn't ever want you to let go.. At the time we were smoking synthetic in the old abandoned school down the street, there was no where else I would have rather been with you my dear. With you fancy places and big dates were nothing I was just as happy sitting outside talking at 2 in the morning until sunrise..
After a few weeks passed we began to get close, very close. We went camping one night, God I remember this night so vividly that it's hard for me to even think about it without it feeling like it is breaking every bone in my body... You told me on the way to the campsite that there was something you needed to tell me, I had no idea what it would be but I wanted to tell you I loved you so much that no one would ever compare to you, but I couldn't bring myself to say it.. we made it to the camp site and we were sitting outside and it was 3 in the morning and I didn't want to fall in love with you, but we were laughing so hard our rib cages were aching and that's when I knew it, that's when I knew I'm screwed. You grabbed me by my face and kissed me and told me what you wanted to tell me was that you loved me and there's no other girl in this world that amounts to what I do to you.
After that we were happy for months, very happy to be specific until you started looking for things in other girls that I guess you were not finding in me. I spent many nights laying in my bed crying while you were out wrapping the arms that were meant for me around some other girl that you decided deserved it more than I did.. this continued for months.
the first girls name began with an A, and I can't bring myself to say it because I hated her with such a passion for so long when it was you I should have hated. This happened in January, I went to a military academy to try to straighten up my life and you were falling in love with another girl while I sat and wrote you a letter every day you were writing her texts and you loved her and my god now that I look back i can see you really cared for her..
The second girls name that I know of started with an M, it was my name actually. This happened in May, you decided to text her one day and tell her a lot of intimate things, things you used to tell me. June first I found out I was pregnant, you told me I said that just to get you back, until you seen the ultrasounds and told me you didn't want to see me until I did not have the baby inside me anymore because the sight of me made you sick, that may have broke my heart more than anything.
The third girls name started with a K, this happened some time in July or August in not sure how long this went on. I never got to see what you guys talked about because you always deleted the messages, I got over that one quicker than the others.
The fourth girls name started with a T, this was a girl you had dated before, this was a girl you had at one point had strong feelings for.. this happened in August and September, I believe you seen her one night, I don't know the truth but I'm almost positive your lips touched hers while mine touched my tear drenched pillow.
The fifth girls name also started with an A, this girl you had also dated, you seen her in person while we together so I'm not so sure what happened with her either. I almost lost our child one night and you were out with this girl...
The sixth girls name starts with a J, I hate her the most, a girl you told me I didn't have to worry about, a girl you had been around a lot, a girl you had cheated on me with and I didn't know it. After we broke up immediately you ran to her, without hesitation. You don't check on me or our baby, but you check to see how many times your lips can touch hers in one night.
I haven't talked to you in over a week, maybe 2. I see the pictures you post with her and it breaks my heart but is beginning to get easier.. Honestly I've realized lately that you barley even cross to my mind anymore but when you do you rip everything to shreds..
I loved you more than anyone and you destroyed me, and now, now I believe i am growing to hate you, I had such a vibrant and colorful soul and there were flowers growing from my ribcage and wrapping them selves around my heart but those have began to die off, just like the memory of you has.
I will not end this by telling you i love you or that we had such a beautiful story because it wasn't beautiful and you're not beautiful and neither am I and neither of us will ever really be happy with anyone else. But I will end this by saying I may hate you, I'm not completely sure, but I no longer want to pass you in the street and I no longer want to look at you and grab your face and press your lips against mine. That's all over now, my god were over now.
Wow, we are really over now..
