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lord i have died again and stand white again

at your feet

guide me



lord you sent me faith

in a drummer boy

i no longer wanted to die

when he graced me with simple silence

his sweetness seemed self explanatory

   it shut my mouth

and my eyes

to pain          let me breathe

  in time        with silence

  taught me to believe in time

   in second chances

astonished at such honest

   intention     he did me right lord

he saved me from death







and now a year later he wants to die

tells me i ruined his life

     he no longer is strong in silence

     he is weak

grappling for space he rakes my skin

not caring if he tears it

not caring

     did my love taint purity?

     did my love steal grace?

he hates me and i send him over and over

my love in letters in poems on myspace on the phone

and he rips them up

     and sends them back unread



so lord i'm afraid

i said i came back from death for someone beautiful

without words he believed in me

but maybe i misjudged the length of silence

maybe i withheld the heaviest truths about my past in fear he would leave me

maybe i just didn't think they mattered anymore

maybe i lied to myself about how good i thought i was going to be

well i was wrong

i was wrong god damn it i broke that boys heart and never

told him the truth i am still the person i was

i deserve the pain of watching him become

nothing to me



lord i understand why i am empty

why i burn in new cities alone and ask for you to give me strength

and i know why no strength comes

i wronged angels

in my lifetime

without thinking

i selfishly lied and lied and lied

i am a liar

lord i understand why you have taken back

the faith

you gave me

in life



but i had to tell you

i still believe in life

and myself

these days in silence i scrape up the energy

to drag my drained body everywhere it needs to be

and i flounder

but never do i forget

how it felt to have a second chance



and my promise

to myself to that boy and to you

is that i will tell the truth to my next love

will spend years preparing my soul

for my next love i want to

eclipse that boys life with my love

i will make the proper shrine to

a soul as beautiful as his

and never lie

and never lie



lord i have watched the one person i trust

dissolve into sand in my arms

i am completely alone

scared and scarred

only praying for forgiveness

and waiting

for love

so i

can do

that angel

right