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Deborah tells me I’m paranoid but let me give my theory a whirl

I believe we must be very weary of our little friend the squirrel.

(Did you notice how I said little friend, I am exercising much discretion

When they read this, and they will, I don’t want them to get the wrong impression.)

Let’s begin with one statistic. Did you know when all the counting’s done

It seems the squirrels outnumber humans by a score of 3 to 1.

And have you ever observed squirrels? I don’t mean to cause a fuss

But watch them and you’ll quickly notice they’re observing us!

When Deborah and I take a walk in the morning there’s a squirrel in every tree

And I can’t help but get the feeling that they’re all watching me.

Oh when I look at them they pretend to play without a care or fear

But I know they know I know they’re not as innocent as they appear.

For instance if all squirrels were as adorable as most people think they are

Why do they wait till I am finished washing it before pooping on my car?

If squirrels were just cute little rodents who are both charming and appealing

Why do they chew their way inside our attic and run across our ceiling?

And finally if you’ve ever had a bird feeder you know about squirrelish gall

They devise elaborate plans for reaching the food so they can have it all.

I’ve even seen them work in tandem, one distracts me, I give chase

While the other climbs the bird feeder and quickly feeds his face.

I used to believe I am larger than they are and my brain is bigger too

Now I’ve come to realize that only one of those is true.

So tell me am I being paranoid, or am I the one whose truly wise?

Am I as crazy as Deborah says or are squirrels planning my demise?

As you make your judgement think of all the squirrels that frequent your life too

And remember it’s not paranoia if it actually is true.

If you think my argument is solid and my reasoning above reproach

Tomorrow I’ll tell you how I feel about our little friend...the roach.