i experience pain,
but i control the experience
i manifest my physical pain into emotional pain;
i manifest my emotional pain into physical pain;
but its still painful...
so i keep going with the manifestations.
physical to emotional,
emotional to physical
and so on and so forth until its one big glob of pain.
the pain resonates through my whole being,
and i become a pitiful puddle of pain.
so much so that i can't stand it and turn numb.
i become being-less and impermanent
what i experience feels different;
a difference that i can't put up with...
At times i want to forcibly tear the pain out of me...
but that means ripping myself apart to get to it...
i won't do that.
not yet.
again no.
wait.
no.
i'm stronger.
"i was the one worth leaving"
no
i left.
he went.
i hold,
he never did.
it keeps going...
i can't stop the thought,
i can't turn me off...