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i can't express how helpless i feel, a lack of control over unknown medical mysteries,
don't forget, no health insurance means no doctors looking over my medical histories,
i look to the internet for answers, my symptoms fit about a thousand diseases,
i'm so scared, god if you can hear this, i beg for your help with a million pleases,
i cry nightly, i can't escape this zoned out feeling,
from my small reserves of happiness, it's constantly stealing,
no reprieve, in my head when i wake, when i sleep,
seriously contemplating suicide, sanity i can't keep,
parents say it's psychosomatic, or i'm eating too much protein,
only one person understands, her love and insights so keen,
everyone takes it as a joke, i'm malingering or trying to avoid work,
you'd have to experience it firsthand, to understand how it drives you berserk,
i haven't felt normal perceptions in about three weeks,
i stare in the mirror, eyes empty, zits on my cheeks,
my shoulder has hurt for about ten days, but that doesn't matter,
i can't get my thoughts off of this surreal state, this brain scatter,
maybe MS, maybe a brain tumor, possibly the initial signs of HIV,
it's the unknowing, the endless possibilities, that are really killing me,
and what if the cause can't be found, like those i've read about online,
thinking about ending the anxiety, ending this life i'm embarrassed to call mine,
i've done nothing but take care of myself, the cold lack of logic strikes again,
i don't fit with living, i'm a four inch ink cartridge and life is a two inch pen,
each minute ticks by slower than the previous, i wish i could hibernate,
i pace around, i can't relax, honestly, not sure how much longer i can wait,
it's like playing russian roulette with a fully loaded clip,
the chance aspect is just for show, i'm doomed to take this trip,
i'm a 25 year old teenager, still living with mom and dad,
a job, an apartment, living with you - all imminent plans i dread won't be had,
throughout our lives, we've been unknowingly honed for this relationship,
and only to live a humble life with you, do i desperately fear my reality slip,
i can only write so many poems, only distract myself for so long,
exhausted every therapeutic technique, yet everything continues to feel so wrong,
here i am, left with no answers, only penetrating symptoms and more questions,
left with impractical advice, a severe lack of hope, and a few inane suggestions,
i don't know what to do, there's not much to do,
two options, live in hell, or with this life be through,
when i die, i will be completely and utterly gone,
no transformation, no ugly duckling to beautiful swan,
for me it might be too late, everyone but myself doubts this,
my sole comfort now is thoughts of you, every smile, every kiss,
i want you to know, although i can't express it,
how much i cherish our unique love, never enough can i stress it,
it's been about an hour, the last of my clarity will be on these pages,
i beg again, please god, in my head, extinguish the fire that rages,
i'm so scared Kim, i keep thinking of you, those thoughts are my last morsels of hope,
my last words, the most powerful 'i love you' ever imagined, forever, for when i can no longer cope...