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Can I.....?
Desires, Desires, Oh! desires, you have wrecked my soul, robbed my dignity, and left me with nothing but my own shame and guilt. This is not what you promised me, you said all you bring is comfort and peace of mind. But all I have now is discomfort and a guilty mind. You are strong, your command makes my knees rattle, but you are wrong, because every time you show me your strength, I end up sinning and wanting to die. Master if you please, I feel like a slave before you, my words are few, but I will always be the fool. Wisdom I know not, give me rubbish and let my mind feed on it! I don’t need help, I need escape from myself, escape from myself! Death promises wonders when it comes to escape, but I haven’t tried it yet, should I try it? My wish is one, that death isn’t like desire, promising what it can’t give, maybe death can give peace and relief! But, what will my soul profit, to die a fool and to carry large shame to my grave? God forbid, I need help, I need escape from myself. What scares me sometimes is when I think that GOD doesn’t care, the feeling is so rare but when it comes, it feels so fare, true and real. The time my desires communicated deceit to the members of my soul, i could feel my mind lacking the lord, dirt in my mind overflows and I find it upon my very actions. Thinking am a victor but all I am is a weakly. Many times in my weakness I come boldly before Yahweh but I guess am not humble enough to receive the power I need not to be mocked by Satan, It’s so easy for you to love me, but why is it so hard for me to love you. Is it because I have never seen you before and you see me every day? Is it possible to love and trust what you can’t see? Why is it so hard to have faith in you? Why is it that the bible only gets interesting when I go to church or when I am with my Christian friends? Why do I feel like my prayers can’t be heard? Why do I feel like Christianity only comes to they that want it not to they that need it? Why does it feel like dying is the right thing to do? WHY!!!!Many times you are so quiet, when am all alone and need a friend, you are so quiet! When am home in bed and fed with thoughts, my faults are many, I lie in my trials waiting for the next sorrow, can I borrow some joy? In my heart, a temple of hypocrisy is built erect, were the kings and queens of anger, hate, selfishness, pride eat and drink and celebrate my captivity, they have bound me in chains of sin and have removed my ability to see GODS will for my life, in mockery they shout: wasn’t he a faithful Christian when he first believed? Wasn’t he a powerful preacher when he first learnt to preach? Now I am the joke of every demon in hell, my falling uplifts them, can I borrow some joy? For I covet the joy I see, in my mind am not kind, for darkness binds the next clip of imagination, can I borrow some power? Only a bit, will fit, okay just for this day! Some power to see myself victorious through this day: Christianity fades in plain sight and like a kite it fly`s higher and higher only to see it fade and disappear, living me in great despair, lives me wounded, and I wonder why I climbed its boat, the ocean tides occupy my safety zone, how can I be safe? Darkness generates from my very soul! Woe to me for I feel in me is a factory of hate, pride & lust and that`s just a few of the long cue, woe to me! For the bad in blood controls my life with a flood of wrong decisions, can I borrow some righteousness? Loneliness is what am good at, brokenness too, I love to play with hypocrisy and look! Am full of trouble! Can I borrow some holiness? For I don’t understand when I stand straight before the gates of sin? With a flip of a moment the gates are opened and I take this trip again, I thought I would never fall. Oh! Holiness that lasts for a moment; won’t you come to this peace less desperate soul like mine? Can I borrow some Christian manners? The manners they say will make you smile when temptations come, those manners. For I know how sad I become when temptations knock upon my desires door, knowing in my heart I will lose the fight, they come in, enter the kitchen of my very soul and lo! They destroy the bread of life and bake their own cake of disobedience; I can smell its fragrance hovering around the nose of my ability to act “against” or “for” the reaction of disobedience, and I do, guess what? It tastes very sweet but shapes for me a very bad reality, can I borrow some faith? Why can`t I completely shut that door, for that which comes in lives me on the floor, beaten by myself? But that`s certainly because my faith is microscopic, the only way to see it if realistic, is to count how many times I have fallen, and you tell me if faith was even there all this while- so can I just borrow some peace of mind? I know I have had my share, but I heard that you care and that`s fair because I wouldn’t want to bare and wear this sorrow and affliction all the way to hell! Am scared…. and Fear is a product of my nature which is sin, which I am. Can I be whole and not fall again! Can I be invisible to sin? Can I……?
