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A Guide to Slide-Sitting
In elementary school, I became an expert on slide-sitting.
For the uneducated, slide-sitting is the act of sticking yourself to the inside of a blue slide despite the choking 90 degree heat that turns it into an oven or the 30 degree ice in the wind that makes even the most bundled children shiver.
Slide-sitting takes commitment.
Slide-sitting takes strong thighs and biceps.
Slide-sitting takes loneliness.
Slide-sitting takes isolation.
For the uneducated, slide-sitting is best with a book and hard-soled shoes.
A word to the wise: when slide-sitting, perfect your form, otherwise your feet will unstick from the walls of the slide and take you down the rest of the rabbit hole
When perfecting your technique, always take into account sweat production: a slippery person makes for a slippery slide.
When perfecting your technique, always be aware of your surroundings: one of the worst possible things a slide-sitter can experience is someone coming down after you and discovering your spider-like form clinging to the plastic.
When perfecting your technique, always measure time, for many a slide-sitter has sunk into their lone bliss and forgotten the amount of breaths they’ve taken
When perfecting your technique, always bring something to entertain, for the claustrophobic plastic that surrounds you will frighten even the most seasoned in the art
When perfecting your technique, always guard your hideaway closely, for the teases that will ensue because of the way you cling to the cracks in the slide’s skin will be unnerving to the intolerant
A word to the wise: never undertake the art of slide-sitting unless you are absolutely sure you have nowhere else to go.
By definition, slide-sitting takes a certain kind of determination.
The kind of determination that has long legs, a short blonde-brown bob, and a gap-toothed smile
The kind of determination bred from being knocked down on the ground and left alone on the swings too long
The kind of determination that comes from not wanting to have the kind of different you are be showcased for all the playground to see
The kind of determination that forms leg muscles a little too early and makes a sense of gravity more attuned than it should be at nine years old
By definition, slide-sitting takes a certain kind of desperation.
In elementary school, I became an expert on being alone.
