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School
Wow do you remember high school? There may even be someone reading this who are still in school. Struggling with the pain of being accepted by society when they are not. Just because we do not have Nike written all over our selves we are nothing!! We are beyond useless and everyone hates us cuz we are not conformed to what they expect and know. I remember reading somewhere that certian people who are picked on are picked on just because they are different. The world is so frightened by the thought of different, being different from what they know right now. For me it was an everyday reality. I got beaten up,people made fun of me cuz I listened to a christian rap group DC Talk. Everyone hated me because I got along with the teachers and I was a teachers pet. Although my grades did not show it at all what so ever. My grades were terrible, and I hated school. I found any excuse to leave and go home early. I remember coming into class in the morning only for a few minutes, then scooting to the office to complain that my stomach was in pain. I don't know may be I was in pain, I sure felt it, but was it just because of stress? I don't know if I should say I hate the people. I do know that I get angry at society who says we have to be this and that just to be accepted. Right now I feel like it's not worth it to live in the garbage if thats all this life offers. Meanwhile I know it's not all this life offers, but man so many times I have just prayed for God to take me away and let me die. So many times I have prayed I would just die because I had no support, no friends, and I was not accepted. It's a such a lonely feeling to go through, but it does make you stronger. It does make you think and have compassion for others. It makes you feel for the others going through it, and when you do come to terms after being depressed it makes you think hard. Even after praying I never really got anywhere, till now!! But what I do realize now is God is there, he is helping me write this. I am having an actual relationship with him, and if it wasn't for him I would not be here. I would probably have killed myself long ago with the depression I was going through. He helped me through it and thank God my mom told me that people who do committ suicide don't make it! I would rather put up with the garbage in the world and suffer knowing I am going to be with Christ one day. Knowing I will get to be held in his arms away from any pain what so ever. He will hold me, and I will be able to live my dream. I mean I will get to play music up there, get to dance, all the stuff I love now, and I will get to do it forever!! It's knowing this that pulls me through, as well it helps when God tells me that certain people are not worth it if they are just going to outcast you because you are this or that. Now I just don't care anymore if people accept me, it angers me a bit, but now I just don't care. If people don't want me because I don't dress a certain way, or because I like certain people and I am drawn to them so be it!! If God wants me to do something I should go through with it!! I still struggle with it big time, it's really becoming the biggest fight of my life. Struggling with circumstance, thinking this and that will not happen just because of what I am. God's been really speaking to me big time lately but I am still scared to follow through because of my human nature and my understanding.
