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My desires
I think I've given up on some stuff, even though I do not want to give up if that makes any sense?? Youth group it's like they're all one big family, and I am just there for no important reason. The youth pastor has students over for studying when they want, people spend the night, people are married. As well I really started to enjoy the youth pastor's kids. They actually sat beside me and wanted me to read to them, and they were reading to me as well! It felt so great, and when I think about it it makes me feel so great. I do not know if the youth pastor's wife trusts me or not. I was going to go play with the kids in their room and the mom didn't want me in their rooms cuz it was messy. But who knows may be it's just me and I am over reacting I do not know anymore, because for the first time I actually loved being around kids. Just being at the youth pastor's house, everyone was happy, everyone was there for eachother, people encouraged eachother, if one person didn't show up they would call eachother to convince one another to come. That's so awesome, and all the people call eachother up to go hand out etc.... hmmmm not me!! Seems like everyone just fades away. I'll start to think oh well this is secure, I feel safe with this person. Well it always backfires.
Other thing is having a christian girlfriend, and I do not care if we take it extra slow, because at least I know God is involved this time unlike past relationships. I see all these girls at the mall, other girls flirt with me, and it really bugs me. Why???? Because I want a christian girl, and the girl I like is very pretty, very smart and downright decent for once. This one stands out, and I don't want the kind of girls I work with even though they may be attractive. But the girl I like is far more attractive cuz of her morals, she's pretty, and smart, has a level head and just stands out. At the same time I feel I do not deserve a girl like her. Why? Because she is so smart and pretty, and it's like the saying, it's too good to be true!! But all my desires line up with God for once, all my desires is what's going to heal some problems in my life. Of course God will heal it, but it's what will at least keep me in line. My desire to be with a girl like that, to feel like I am one of the people in the church, to be able to have support are my desires. I want these so bad it hurts, and I cry because I figured I was trying, but hey may be it's time to give up?? At the same time I do not want to give up because there is still that sliver of hope somewhere. Somedays all I can do is just lay back and sleep. What else is there to do?? No one calls or anything. Anyways this is just something I am going through, and really hope ends real soon.
