PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

I believe it's been over a year since I've last blogged about anything. No one really does these things anymore. They're really just simply for me to read over a few months from now, to be perfectly honest.

Today, I walked into the Subway on 107th and Olive, and who else do I see other than Cathryn? It's quite funny, because I often wondered how I would react to when I first saw her again. Pull out the F-bombs and negative remarks? Or be an absolute gentleman and sincerely ask about how she's been? Well I found out my answer. I did neither of those things. When I went in, she absolutely refused to look in my direction, which I found rather humorous. So, what else did I do, but laugh hysterically. I couldn't stop laughing the entire time we were in the assembly line of patrons waiting to be served their bread, meat choice, cheese, and toppings. For a solid 2 hours, I found it hilarious.

Then, I became completely sad. Not because I miss my ex-wife, but because I miss an old friend. It ties into what I've said before, when a person you know becomes a person you knew. I miss a part of my family; her sisters and their families. For a while, they were mine as well. Her little sister was in there, whom I became rather attached to. She seemed to be neglected often, as is the case with larger families, having to bear the brunt of joint custody after a divorce.. She became like Alicia, my own little sister. I tried my best to tell her the things she needed to hear as a 14 year old girl: to just be herself, and don't let anyone, not even family, persuade her to be anything different. I loved her as my own family, and it made me tremendously sad to see her and not be able to say a word. And of course, on the other hand, Cathryn was my best friend. She knows things about me I cannot tell a soul about. And though she did a tremendous job at telling nearly everyone those secrets, it still hurt me to not have her as my friend anymore. I truly did love her with all of me, and a part of me forever will.

After about 20 minutes of the first depression I've felt in over a month and a half, I became angry. Rather, I was livid. My blood was replaced with boiling water, and the steam went nowhere but back into my system. The memories replayed in my mind, and I remembered, dispite how much I'll always worry about her (of course, she's my ex-wife), I hold a passionate hatred for her as well. It's unfortunate, because I've only hated one other person my whole life, but some of the actions she took and words she said defined her as a person. And it was a personification that I absolutely loathed. For from these choices an eternal ring of lasting causes spread forth, and forever shall affect my life. Mostly because of what's not there: my child. A bubbling in my stomache developed, a heat I could only describe as the fires of Satan himself plumed inside of me. I was disgusted at the mere thought of her. Just remembering her face made every fiber in me want to vomit it out, to lay it out before me in acidic chunks of black forest ham and murky shreds of green lettuce. I felt dirty just having her image infect my being.

However, nearly as immediately as it came, my anger dissipated. It vanished, and overwhelmingly so, like a tsunami crashing upon the beach, a calm took over me. So powerful this emotional silence, it nearly took the breath out of me. I felt nothing. No happiness, no sadness, no anger, no stress, no disgust. Nothing. And it was wonderful. Incredibly so.

This isn't a message about how I miss Cathryn. Nor is it to share my accounts in awkward meetings with my ex. Simply, it's to remind myself I'm human, and I have limits. I feel that as a human, especially a man, there are times where I feel that being human isn't good enough.

Right now, I have in my sights a wonderful woman whom I care very deeply about, and I feel I can provide hardly a thing. I don't get a chance to see her much, I'm going to be in debt for a few years because of my divorce with Cathryn, financially, I'm struggling, I hardly have a job, I'm entirely out of shape, and I have a recent divorce looming over me. In all honesty, I shouldn't be involved in anything, and we know that. But I can't help but feel it's so right... I'm not sure. I want to be able to give her all of me, but quite honestly, I don't have any of me left. It's all either broken or sold to get out of debt. And thus, being human becames inadequate and obsolete.

My chest is heavy, and my stomache is down in my knee caps. Not because of the ladies I mentioned, but because of humor. It's funny, as the joke usually starts off, how true the statement is. "We are most afraid of the unknown, because we don't know what's there." As a logical, sane, intelligent man, I strive to know more about everything. When I don't know something, it irks me to no end. And unfortunately, right now, the one thing I have no clue about, is my own self. Humorous, isn't it? The only thing I should know the best escapes my comprehension entirely at the moment. It's odd, because I was gazing at the sky tonight, not too long ago, actually, and I was noticing all the stars. A beautiful night, with perfect weather. And I thought to myself, "I'm so tiny compared to all of that, so insignificant. My problems are like the electrons to the smallest of atoms. Miniscule, negative, and only attracts other small negative things." So, my ladies and gentlemen, I suppose I am an electron, and right now, I'm attempting to find a way to switch over to a proton version of myself. I just hope math has failed me, and it doesn't take another negative to make a positive.