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~__Wendy the Derriere__~
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Plays Narrorator: (Full of animated energy, in a sing-song tune)
Come now my sisters!
Come now my brothers!
I'll tell you a tale
unlike any other!
A tale about one ordinary man
who traveled for miles across the land.
He was merely a plumber, oh just so-so.
But he faught valiently against many foe!
Wendy the Derriere, that was his name!
And slaying Dairy King, that's how he was made.
Our tale takes place in 800 A.D.
Yes that is where we start our story
Wendy is currently unclogging a toilet
I'd tell you the rest but I don't want to spoil it....
(Narrorator dances off stage, as curtains open up. Wendy is centerstage, knelt down besides a toilet with a plunger in his hand as he begins to "fix" the toilet.)
Wendy: (In a sort of melancholy voice.) This part goes to this.. This part goes to that.. First I'll use a garbunkle. Then I'll use a whicka-whack! (Looking up, Wendy smiles widely.) Someday I'll go to the palace and be greeted by the princess Ted, then we'll marry. And they're be crowns on two heads! (Wendy sighs heavily.) Who am I kidding.. I'm nothing special. I'm only a plumber.... Not a knight in shining metal.
(Curtains close on Wendy, as the Narrorator starts to speak before the curtains close completely.)
Narrorator: (Center stage at curtain line, singing to the audience)
As Wendy continued his romantic day dream
The Princess was kidnapped by the evil Dairy King...(The Narrorator starts singing with darkness in his voice.) The Dairy King is heartless evil and cruel..
And all who opposed him were just stupid fools..
Even if someone got past his army of Cheesey Wheezey Dudes
He'd use his magical staff to turn them into dairy foods!
His palace is made of chocolate cake,
But apparently it's a kingdom he is trying to TAKE!!!
(Narrorator dances offstage into alcove as the Dairy King and the Princess come from the audience onto the stage, the Princess Ted in front, hand-cuffed and blindfolded, with the Dairy King behind her.)
Princess Ted: (Scared, but confident.) You Villian! You won't get away with this! My hero will come with gauntlets on each fist! Just who do you think you are?! To kidnap the Princess, who would go this far!?
Dairy King: (They both should now be infront of the curtain stage right, as Dairy King unfolds the princess' blindfold.) Who am I? WHO AM I!? I'm the Dairy King, there ain't no doubt about that! I'm the Dairy King! And I'll make you fat! With my chocolate, cake, and eggs-- I'll feed you so much you'll start to beg. Now...There is one way I'll leave you be... Marry me! Become my Queen! (The princess starts to answer, but the King cuts her off.) Now, if you give me the wrong answer, I'll turn your kingdom into a disaster! So I ask again, from me, the Dairy King... (Dairy King rubs the Princess' face gently.) Take my hand... Become my queen...
Princess Ted: (Spits in the face of the Dairy King) No! I'd never subdue to marry a horse dung like you! You can torture me and hit me with your cone! But I'd rather DIE than let you on my throne!
Dairy King: (Slaps the Princess in the face comedically.) Well it seems you have no clue or reality. Well, I'll lay it to you like this, quite simply. Tonight we shall wed, and you will say yes. Otherwise your people will endure quite the distress. So go, get ready, for right now you look ghastly. (She is forced to leave the stage in preperation for the evening.) And finally.. This kingdom shall be mine at lastly! (Comedic villianous laugh as the Dairy King exits, stage right.)
Narrorator: (Creeps on from stage left, and looks out onto the audience, despair on his face.)
Dairy King was making our highness quite fatter
And somebody knew something was the matter
As the princess continued receiveing more mouthfuls
In front of Wendy opened a portal!
(By this time, the curtains are opened halfway, showing Wendy performing what the Narrorator was speaking of.)
And it was so big, that it sucked him right in
And while it spun and turned he screamed
Wendy: When will it end!?
Narrorator: Then finally Wendy found himself on the floor
And it felt as if he ran right into a door
Everything around him was red, white, and green.
And in front of him were eyes, seeming to gleam.
Inside of a workshop, that's where he was.
And in front of him was the great Santa/Mrs. Clause!!!!
Wendy: (Standing up, he moves quite shakily as the curtains open up slowly but fully.) Oh.. Where am I? How did I get here..? It feels like I just got trampled by a door.. Wait! (Reacts overdramatically.) Am I dreaming? Or is this fat man's eyes gleaming? Yes! This isn't a trick! It's the genuine Old/Miss Saint Nick!
Mr(s). Clause: (Comes on from stage left.) Very good Wendy! You deserve a present! But I'm afraid the reason why you're here is most unpleasant.. You see I summoned you here through an intergalactic vortex because your kingdom is under great distress. Now the news I'm about to give you may fill you with dread........ But the Dairy King has been kidnapped by the princess Ted...
Wendy: (Nonchaulantly scratches his back with the wooden part of his plunger.) Dairy King? You don't say... I fixed his toilet once, by the way. You know... Dairy runs right through you. And the result is...... Really NASTY poo.
Clause: (Dire emergency in his/her voice.) Wendy! This isn't a joking matter! As we speak, the princess is getting fatter! (Looks at own body.) You know.. Once I faced the Dairy King and well.. I'm not as skinny as I used to be.
Wendy: (Laughs under his breathe.) Yeah. I can see that... Uhh... Santa Clause...... You've gotten fat.
Clause: (Looks up at Wendy with intensity.) Wendy! This isn't a joking matter! As we speak the princess is getting fatter! Now go before it is too late! Save the princess... it is your fate!
Wendy: (Stuttering away.) Yeah..uhh..about that... I can't. I'm lactose intolerant. You know.. I'm alergic to dairy products.
Clause: (Pauses. Thinks heavily) Hmm..Yes.. this could be quite the prediciment... Ah! I know, a present! From your good ole' Saint Nick!
(Clause runs off stage and fumbles around.)
Narrorator: Then suddenly he grabbed a slice of pie and it grew to be THRICE THE SIZE!!!
Pie: (In a complete utterly obnoxious voice.) Hi Wendy! I am your magical piece of pie and I will help you on your JOOOOURNEY!!!
Clause: (Speaks to Wendy, as Wendy looks utterly disgusted in the creature.) You can use this magical piece of pie to deflect Dairy King's Dairy Bolts. And my favorite team is the Indianopolis Colts! Now go now before it is too late, save the princess, it is your fate!
Wendy: (Quietly, he slides over to Clause.) But..his voice is so annoying and loud.. I mean.. Couldn't you have given me a magical cloud?
Pie: Hey! I heard that Wendy, and now I'm hurt...
Wendy: (Looks down at the Pie with a twisted look.) Why doesn't he rhyme? I guess there's not time.. Well! Now I must go! To defeat that horrible foe!
(Grabbing onto pie as if it were a shield, Wendy and Pie skip through the audience and out the back doors as the Narrorator sings to them.)
Narrorator: And Wendy is off, faster than fast!
To go and whip up on Dairy Kings---
(Suddenly, the Narrorator sings in a depressed voice.)
But the princess is not doing so good
Because the Dairy King keeps giving her food..
With all the food, she was eating, she was getting real fat
So her defience has finally started to lack...
So she had to give up..She had to say yes...
To his proposal, his request.....
(Curtain opens up to show Dairy King and the Princess off to the side of the stage.)
Dairy King: You know I can do this all day... You know I won't stop until you say, (He starts to do a stereotypical female mocking voice and physical.) "Yes, I'll be your queen, oh handsome and sexy Dairy King!"
Princess Ted: (Coughs as she speaks weakly.) Please..Stop! I've eaten so much, I'm about to pop..... Alright.. I'll do it Dairy King... I will accept.. I'll become your queen.
Dairy King: Ah! I knew you'd eventually come to your senses. You were quickly beginning to run out of chances. I'll have the wedding set to take place at five. And soon your kingdom will be mine!
Narrorator: The princess has accepted his question
And Dairy King has succeded in his mission
Wendy, oh Wendy, you must come quick, with the weapon you recieved from good ole Saint Nick!
(Wendy and Pie come in from the back of the audience, and hides behind a chair.)
Wendy: At last we're here, but look pie, do you see? Dairy King has deplored his Cheesey Wheezey Army. I can't get past them, how could I get rhrough? I just can't get past Dairy King's food!
Pie: Let me handle this one, Wendy! AAAAH!!! (Throws something random at the "army".)
Wendy: Pie! You did it! You're amazing! I'm not sure what just happened but my heart is racing. Well let's march to this evil foes palace and make him drink from his own chalice!
(Wendy and Pie march towards the stage and run off, going on stage through the curtain.)
Narrorator: (Full of excitement as he dances on the side of the stage.)
Yes! Yes! Wendy has come now! He is finally here!
He's going to kick that Dairy king in the rear!
(Curtain opens up fully, as Wendy and Pie emerge from stage right, in a stereotypical Hero pose.)
Wendy: I have come to save the day! With a pie on my arm, and a plunger.......ay!
Dairy King: (Turns and looks rather confused.) Uh..Hello?
Princess: Gasp! My hero!
Wendy: (Acting quite smug) Yes! It is true! Dairy King, I've come to defeat you! I've heard of your vile and twisted plans and how you wish to take over this land. Well I'm not going to allow this to happen! So consider this party offically dampned!
Dairy King: Oh..You really think you can beat me? Son you must be trippin, cuz I'm the Dairy King! (Dairy King and Wendy charge at each other, pie getting in the middle of it, as they each tangle around. The Princess makes random noises of excitement. Suddenly the Pie is thrown away, and DK stands over Wendy, his staff pointed down at him) Well now. Since you're on your knees, would you like to beg? Any last words before you're an egg?!
Pie: (Gets up and launches itself onto the Dairy King, screaming.) WENDY!! NOOOO!!!!
(While this situation happens, Wendy gets up and unties the Princess, who starts running away. But DK kicks the pie off and aims the staff at Wendy, the Princess behind Dairy King.)
Dairy King: I got you now, you slick little snake! Now you're about to be a delicious strawberry shortcake!
(They exchange a glance during a beat, then Wendy simply kicks the Dairy King in the groin, as he falls to the ground in pain grabbing Dairy Kings staff, Wendy points it down at him.)
Wendy: Now then, Dairy King! I will now put you to peaceful sleep...
Dairy King: ....That's...That's it? A message of love? The anger in that was like that of a beautiful white dove...
Wendy: Alright..so how's about this... "I just kicked yo butt, so now what?" (Aims it down and shoots Dairy King.)
Dairy King: That's better.. NOOO!!!! (Shrivels up to death)
Princess Ted: My hero! (Runs towards Wendy and hugs him tightly, giving him a huge kiss on the cheek as they hold each other, curtains closing on them.)
Narrorator: And so, Wendy finally got to meet the Princess Ted
And that summer, they decided to wed!
Due to his heroic bravery
The kingdom was saved from certain slavery!
And now, upon the throne, sits a beautiful Queen
And a man who deserevs the title of King.
(Curtains open, Wendy and Ted are in fancy outfits and the set looks cool but I'm too damn lazy to type it.)
Clause: Do you, Ted, take Wendy to be your man, and stay with him forever, hand in hand?
Princess: I do.
Clause: And do you, Wendy, take Ted to be your bride and always hold her by your side?
Wendy: I do.
Clause: Well then. Before we go on your magical sleigh ride, you must first kiss the HO HO HO.... Er.. Bride!
(Wendy and Ted do all their fun stuff, I'll end up directing what to do, but it is 1:09 AM the night before audtions and I REALLY need to get some sleep cuz I'm going to fail English unless I get some rest. Curtains close, what's his name...Narrorator comes onto center stage infront of the curtain.)
Narrorator: So go now my sisters!
Go now my brothers!
Tell a friend this tale
And then tell another!
A tale about one marvoulous king
Who defeated the most sinister fiend
And then they flew off with a few Ho Ho Ho's
And that's how the story goes!
And That's How The Story Goes!
AND THATS HOW THE STORY GOOOOOOOOOOOOES!!!!
End
