Author Information
A FISH CALLED COD- a play for those with no life!
Folder:
Silliness A FISH CALLED COD
a play written, directed, produced.... blah blah blah by Toni Woodward (my maiden name!) and Joe Arellano.
Cast of Characters:
AMBULAR CLOESLAW- Mad, extremely mad, VERY MAD!!!!
WAYNEHEAD- Protector of all that is cabbage.
TONY DANZA- Washed up superstar.
THE MAGIC COD OF POWER- Speaks for itself!
FABIO- He can't belive it's not butter.
HABIB-VICK COLESLAW- Sells used camels, works at IHOP.
KRUSTY NOSE- SNIFF!
CLOSET BOY- Is not afraid of the dark.
GAYSON OF THE KNOLLS- A floating ballerina.
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(The year is 199346787544567547898 and TWO! The place is not Paris, and we can't believe it's not butter! Actually, the place is a tiny little redneck town called Hysteria, located next to Bickerville and Peelin' Bananas. (names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the mad, the EXTREMELY MAD!!!!) The sun is hot, the cabbage is growing, the fish are smelling, and we still can't belive it's not butter!
Sand is thrown carelessly across the stage, in a cheesy attempt to make it look like a desert. Bright lights shine from above in (yet another) cheesy attemjpt to duplicate sunshine. A pice of Velveeta cheese is thrown in for just the right amount of cheesiness. (This play is the CHEESIEST!) For no particualr reason, a ballerina clad in a purple tu-tu (played by Jason Bruce) floats in the background and sings, "How Dry I Am.")
Scene 1
The Knolls
(GAYSON floats and the sun shines. TONY DANZA takes center stage, wearing a "Who's the Boss?" tee-shirt. He is holding a cod he just had thrown at him from and adoring fan in the audience.)
TONY: "Thanks! I'll save it for later!" (stuffs it in his pants) "Be sure to watch the only movie I've ever been in, 'Angels in the Outfield!'" (he pulls a copy of the movie from his pants, and the cod falls out and flies away, unnoticed.)
GAYSON: (from background) "SUPER COD!" (goes back to floating and singing)
AMBULAR: (Comes on stage doing back flips in her best Xena: Warrior Princess imitation) "AY YI YI YI YAAA!!!" (she saunters up to TONY and winks) "I heard you were giving away a copy of 'Angels in the Outfield.'"
TONY: "Why, yes, yes I am. And do you know what else? I have a cod in my pants!"
AMBULAR: "Yes, I know. I've seen pictures, and it's more like a goldfish, really."
TONY: "No, you don't understand! I really do have a cod in my pants!" (he looks) "Oh my god! It's gone!"
(Suspense music plays, and the tension mounts in the air)
END OF SCENE 1... Wait, you can't leave yet! Come back here!!! It gets better, I promise!
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SCENE 2
A friedly chat at IHOP
(We see WAYNEHEAD at the Bingo shop on Main Avenue. (remember, names have been changed to protect the innocent and the mad, the EXTREMELY MAD!!!) He is next to a stop sign, some streets, and cars are driving by. (all types of cars, old ones, new ones, the kind you drive, the kind that smell like vomit, the kind that...) He is stocking up on Bingo Balls (no, not those kind, you sick puppy!) when, all of a sudden, a pain hits him in the stomach. A strange beeping sound goes off. It's his Cabbage-dometer. He needs cabbage, and he needs it fast! (kind of like when you have a booger hanging down your nose, and you don't want your boyfriend to see it, so you try to pretend like you're just SCRATCHING your nose.........) He uses the power of the Rabbit to get to the local IHOP, the pancake and cabbage Mecca. In the distance, GAYSON is rubbing syrup all over his buttocks and is no longer dry!)
WAYNEHEAD: (to FABIO, the worker behind the counter) "Hello, good worker. I would like some cabbage. Do you take food-stamps?" (cha-ching!)
FABIO: "I can't believe it's not butt-ah!"
WAYNEHEAD: "Well, I wouldn't exactly put it on toast!" (looks a little worried) "I'll seat myself."
FABIO: (nodding) "I can't believe it's not butt-ah!"
WAYNEHEAD: "Uh, yeah." (he sits down at a booth)
(A busboy, HABIB-VICK COLESLAW, enters, wearing a turnip on his head. His nipples are covered in peanut butter and topped with chocolate chips)
HABIB: (speaking in a bad Arabian accent) "Hello, good Sir. Welcome to IHOP. Would you be having a slurpee today? Or maybe some beef jerkey? We have terryaki, pepper, super spicy...."
WAYNEHEAD: "I'm a vegetarian! Now get me roast beef! OH, yes, and a side order of cabbage! I'm low!"
HABIB: "Wil you be having a camel with that? I have a great deal on a '97 model. Only has 500 miles on it!"
WAYNEHEAD: "Hmmmm, I could use a new sidekick...... Octopus Boy only lasted a couple of hours out of the ocean..." (he looks at HABIB) "but I find that Cod is the only fish that can survive without water for long periods of time."
(Just then, the MAGIC COD OF POWER flies by, unnoticed again."
GAYSON: "Super Cod, Super Cod, Super Cod!" (he dumps a cup of sour milk over his head, and then places a slice of bacon on it as well) "Look! I'm breakfast now!" (he cracks an egg and puts it on his belly)
WAYNEHEAD: "Why don't you just bring me the friggin' cabbage!?"
HABIB: "Okie-dokie-pokie!" (he pokes WAYNEHEAD in his bellybutton, and walks away.)
WAYNEHEAD: "And I want that meat WALKING!"
(a few minutes pass, and HABIB comes back with a plate of cabbage and a walking cow.)
WAYNEHEAD: "Hey, HABIB, how 'bout some coffee?"
HABIB: "No, thanks!
WAYNEHEAD: (glances out at the audience, puzzled) "Look, HABIB, I'm gonna be frank..."
HABIB: "Okay, can I still be HABIB?"
(WAYNEHEAD gives up and begins eating his cabbage)
End of SCENE 2, aren't you glad?
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SCENE 3
In the closet
(SCENE 3 takes place inside CLOSET BOY's closet. It is very dark, no lights are on, but we can see CLOSET BOY's body moving around in the shadows. KRUSTY NOSE is there, sniffing loudly.)
KRUSTY NOSE: "CLOSET BOY, it is time to come out! Come out of the closet!"
CLOSET BOY: "Never!"
KRUSTY: "Okay, I can't force you." (a tiny light shines on her, leaving CLOSET BOY in the dark) "I saw TONY DANZA the other day."
BOY: (excited) "Did you give hom cod?"
KRUSTY: (nods) "I gave him cod. It was wonderful!"
BOY: "And, so, I can now assume that with the power in TONY DANZA's pants that the cod flies again?!"
KRUSTY: (nods again) "The cod flies again."
BOY: "And he...."
TOGETHER: "Who catches the cod, the sacred cod, pick a cod any cod, will have the unlimited power of the cod!" (music play happily)
GAYSON: "Magic power of the cod!" (he is now wearinf high heels and a Hul Hogan tee-shirt. He is opening a box of chocolates and is taking a bite out of eachone, just to see what flavor they are. I hate that!)
BOY: "And, don't forget the added bonus!"
TOGETHER: "SQUISHED GRAPES IN YOUR SOCKS!!!!"
(on the other side of the stage we see TONY DANZA walking slowly, a squishy sound coming from his shoes.)
TONY: "Dammit! I just emptied these!!"
(in the background, GAYSON passes out from hyperventilating into a paper bag.)
End of SCENE 3.. just draggin' on
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SCENE 4
The Magic Cod
(We see a bowl of guacamole. The MAGIC COD emerges from it, denched in avacado. FABIO lurks in the background, still trying to figure out if it's really butter or not. He has a stick of butter in each hand, and is licking each one alternatly.)
COD: (speaking in a very cultured voice) "I feel that it is my duty to warn you that you are being dragged, unwilingly, and unknowingly into maddness, utter, UTTER MADDNESS!!! You are all mad, I tell you, MMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!! You're listening to a talking fish for crying out frigin loud! Squished grapes!?!? What the hell is this?!?!?! Who's writing this, anyway? And where is that camel HABIB offered, 'cause I want a ride out of here! I don't want any part in this!"
FABIO: (still licking the sticks of butter) "I can't believe it's not butt-ah!"
COD: "He can't believe it's not butter, and I can't believe I'm still here!" (he jumps back into the guacamole.)
(AMBULAR enters, grabs a Tostito, and dips it into the guacamole. The MAGIC COD is on the chip, but flies away unnoticed, yet again. GAYSON twirls on his toes singing, "I Feel Pretty". He has coconuts in his hands that he shakes like maracas.)
AMBULAR: (eating the chip) "Mmmmmmmmm..........good! So, FABIO, what's new?"
FABIO: "I can't believe it's not butt-ah!"
(WAYNEHEAD appears from an underground burrough with a carrot in his nose)
WAYNEHEAD: "What's up, doc?"
AMBULAR: (pointing to FABIO) "He can't believe it's not butter!"
WAYNEHEAD: (nodding) "I know!"
(HABIB enters, riding on a new '97 camel equipped with handy side bags for those long pilgrimages)
HABIB: "Hello, good people! I have brought beef kerkey for everyone! Come, weez my juice!" (everyone looks at HABIB's pants, unwilling) "No, my Slurpee machine, you sick puppies!"
(everyone emits a long, drawn out, completely fake sounding sigh)
(In the distance, the MAGIC COD OF POWER and GAYSON are dancing the tango. The COD has rose in its' mouth. Music fills the air.)
End of SCENE 4... if you don't stop pouting, I"m going to turn this play around!
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SCENE 5
Who's the Boss.... really?!
(This scene takes place at your one stop burrito and enema super restaurant "You Really Don't Know What You're Eating". The MAGIC COD OF POWER has taken up a part-time job there, selling burritos. He serves another satisfied customer, and as the customer waddles away, he speaks....)
COD: "Please, come back again. We are having a sale next week! When you get n enema, we'll give you one of our Secret Sauce Bean Burritos. And, just remember, 'The secret's in the sauce!'"
(GAYSON comes out of a room, waddling and holding a green colroed burrito)
GAYSON: "God, I love coming here!" (He does three leaps in the air, then throws the burrito on the ground. He dances on it, barefooted, while a mariachi band plays 'La Cucuracha'.)
(TONY DANZA walks in and empties out his shoes, yet again. He is hoping to get a shake made from their secret sauce. Upon seeing him, the COD does a flip for joy, for TONY is the "chosen one")
COD: "Welcome, my son. May I call you," (he takes on a fake Chinese accent) "GRASSHOPPPPA?"
(TONY DANZA is quite surprised by this talking fish. He grabs him, and throws him into the vat of grease behind the counter, frying him. The smell of cooking fish permeates the air)
COD: "I'm melting, melting! What a world! What a world!"
TONY: "Actually, you're not melting, you're frying, you stupid fish!"
COD: (gasping for breath) "But I am no ordinary fish, I am the m-m-magic c-c-oooooooooddddddddddddd..."
(The MAGIC COD OF POWER's voice stops, for he is dead. GAYSON, now wearing Slinkys from each breast, runs around the stage, throwing Lucky Charms)
GAYSON: "They're magically delicious!!!"
End of SCENE 5...... Porno's are more sophisticated than this!
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SCENE 6
The Funeral
(The scene is set at a public restroom, where the remains of the MAGIC COD OF POWER are being laid to rest in a watery grave. A flush sound fills the room and bounces off the walls)
TONY: "I'm gonna miss him. If onyl I had known........... I woudl have baked him!" (he cries a little, not really meaning what he says)
GAYSON: (doing the macarena) "Shake and Bake! Shake and Bake! Shake and Bake!"
(WAYNEHEAD and AMBULAR enter, carrying the bowl of guacamole and eating it with Tostitos.. no, wait.. Tostitos LITE!)
WAYNEHEAD: (crying) "Well, I hope we all learned a valuable lesson from all this..."
AMBULAR: "A cod in your pants is worth two in your bush?"
WAYNEHEAD: "No, take Bean-O before you eat cabbage!" (Expels gas)
TONY: "I learned a lesson, too! I'm gonna go and star in 'Angels in the Outfield 2: I Suck so Bad, I'm Playing T-Bell Now'!"
(FABIO walk onstage, seemingly excited)
TONY: "Did you lear a lesson, FABIO?"
FABIO: (nods) "It WAS butt-ah!"
(the actors take center-stage and bow. In the distance, GAYSON and the ghost of the MAGIC COD OG POWER are playing paddy-cake and listening to Yoko Ono. CLose curtain)
END OF PLAY... the the MADDNESS!! THIS EXTREME MADDNESS!!!!
