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The Church.

Sunday morning the time six o’clock in the morning, cannot hear any road noises all is quiet. Think about turning over and going back to sleep after all it is the only day of the week where I can have a lay in. My wife asked isn’t it about time to get up after all it is Sunday and we did promise the Vicar that we would go to Church this Sunday.

I mumbled something threw back the bed covers and went to the bathroom. If the wife says Church than church it will have to be. I did once protest but my life was made unbearable for a whole week. Now I do whatever she wants.

I locked the doors and off we went to the local Church. The weather, cold and windy; pull coat up over my chest to under my chin. I will be glad to get in out of the cold wind. I never thought that I would be glad to get inside the church.

There is no heating in the Church and after a few minutes one felt the cold creeping in again. Hope I don’t catch cold. The Vicar came into the Church this was a signal for the Choir to settle down and a general rush to find the first hymn took place.

Something was not right in Church the atmosphere I swear was a menacing threat to all and sundry. I looked around the Church to see where any potential danger could be lurking; nothing out of the ordinary was to be seen.

The Vicar called out the number of the first hymn, the organ started its usual mournful tones and the choir led us through All things Bright and beautiful all creatures great and small. There was a commotion in the front of the church.

Above the mournful notes of the organ one could hear the shouts of an angry man. I stood up on my seat. I was just in time a man small and poorly dressed ran at the vicar holding in his right hand a large carving knife.

Calling to the vicar I heard the man say, why did you marry us in the first place? You knew she was no good. The Vicar dodged the first blow of the knife and a few men in the front seats I saw running at the man. Another blow caught the Vicar in the chest. Poor Vicar with his Church Robes he did not have much chance against the angry man.

The choir Master had used his mobile phone and called for Police assistance. An ambulance arrived and the Vicar was taken to hospital. The angry man was arrested. The choir Master finished off the service by singing that old hymn. Rock of Ages cleft for me.

My wife said not a word all of the way home, indoors the noise from the kitchen told me that I was not welcome at the moment. My wife had things to think about and during dinner she told me her plans. Every day while the Vicar was in Hospital we, yes that was quite clear in her mind we, would go every day to visit the sick man.

My thoughts were now getting very nasty, first I missed my long lay in, in my bed on Sunday, Now my wife was going to make sure that we visited the Vicar every day. This was getting to be too much of a good thing. Two weeks later on Sunday, My wife again got me early out of my bed and on my way to the Church.

The atmosphere was exactly the same as it was when the man attacked the Vicar. The hymn was called out. Something snapped in my head. I found myself running towards the Vicar with this huge carving knife in my hand. I found myself repeating the angry man’s words. Why did you marry us you knew that she was no good.

Fortunately the men sitting in the front were not shocked and they quickly overpowered me. I could not believe that I had wanted to attack the Vicar.

The most embarrassing part was when in the court of law a psychiatrist gave a report about my mental health. Patient has a history of imaginary attacks of being controlled beyond all measures.  He was not of sound mind at the time of the attack. This report echoed in my ears, over and over were the words he was not of sound mind.

I was found not guilty and my wife was told by the judge not to force me to go to Church every Sunday but to let me have a lay in at least once a week.

We do not go to Matins or morning service any more. Now it is evensong and the prayers that my wife insists on kneeing by our bed and as she calls it having a conversation with God.

The other day I was asked what religion did I believe in my answer that I was an atheist caused a lot of eye raising people do not forget too quickly when someone attacks a Vicar.