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PENNIES FROM HEAVEN
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OTHER WOMEN... It hurt me...not to touch you...
To kiss away those tears...
To show you what a remarkable woman YOU ARE, not were...
That the loss was his, not yours...
That there was NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
I had hoped, you would succomb to the hurt...
Knowing that I would catch you...
To allow the hurt...
And let me hold you, and rock you in my arms.
I was there...
And there was no one...
No one to hold me, to rock me, to tell me...
I did, NOTHING WRONG...that I just wanted to be LOVED.
And wanting that is not a crime, that I'm no criminal.
I sat there on a floor for hours...in a ball...
I couldn't move, couldn't do anything.
Paralyzed in fear, confusion, and doubt--what if...
She was right and there was something "wrong" with me?
What if I was emotionally abusive?
I could not see through the tears, beyond my broken heart.
I remember the DEVASTATION...all too well.
You are so intelligent, beautiful, and humorous.
Isn't it funny how we cannot see ourselves cleary,
After we've been hit with a broken heart?
That once the relationship is over,
Our ability to self-validate....
LEAPS OUT A WINDOW!
I know the feeling of that gut wrenching "RIPPING"...
Of that umbilical cord that ties us to a loved one...
That sense of "belonging-ness" and being loved...
GONE!
Like ones heart is always in the back of your throat...
Having your face ache because you can't cry anymore tears...
And food, even if appetizing looks like road kill...
I knew this pain...
Knew you were in it...
And all I wanted to do, was hold you like a child...
Until the pain went away.
I wanted to touch you...
To let you enjoy every nuance of your womanhood...
HE TOOK FOR GRANTED.
To have you realize that he was a typical man...
Who may have treated you like a sperm bank...
Rather than the glorious creature YOU ARE.
But I knew...that is how I "saw" you.
That no matter how "precious" you were...
You'd never see that intent.
You'd never realize that is how I want to treat ALL women.
TO HEAL THE VICTIMIZED...because...
WOMEN AS RULE ARE OPRESSED BY A MALE SOCIETY...
NO MATTER WHAT THE BEST MEN SAY OR DO...
IT IS INGRAINED INTO THEIR BEING AND THEY...DO NOT...
SEE IT.
However,
Women see men as security...
And looking down that road...I could not offer that.
I could not guarantee a protection from bigotry...
You could not walk with me, and not maintain your status...
Maybe even now, as we are friends.
I could not protect your wonderful children...
In schools full of other kids whose parents are NOT
EDUCATED & INFORMED.
And because of these things...I venture to say,
You would very likely loose your job.
As your friend...this risk was and is too great.
LISTEN...ONLY AS THIS COMES FROM MY HEART OF HEARTS...
When and if...
There ever comes a day...
When you need me...I will always be here.
TO ME, YOU ARE WONDERFUL...giving, loving, caring...
Beyond what I've expected or dreamed.
And if ever you see me as someone...
You too can love...I WILL BE HERE...
But you know my heart, and do not make false promises...
Do not take me on a ride of "self-service".
I can only offer you cheap free dates, my ears, my arms...
MY HEART.
Other than that...My offer to you...
Is that sentimental, old fashioned type of relationship...
(IF, and let me repeat IF, you can handle it & want it.)
Because knowing you is like...
PENNIES FROM HEAVEN
