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my mind...
This is my brain. It’s a crazy mess of color and shapes and symbols but never thoughts that are organized. Hell this isn’t organized it doesn’t make sense the words I’m using are wrong this is a run on sentence. I was never good at grammar. Or spelling. Or anything really. But damn could I write. I can easily write an essay or speech in hours. I could move people to tears with the thoughts in my head. But I don’t remember thinking them they just jumped from my fingers onto the paper. That’s what it feels like when I draw though too. I can just go. The best feeling is when im able to just go. Paint or write and not have to think about what im doing or why and its like im lost in a forest with no end and its not scary and dark but its full of friendly squirrels and no big bad wolves.
I think its funny how in the society that I am in as a teenage girl. I must be strong and independent but I swear to god if I do not have a boyfriend than im going to die alone because im not pretty enough to be loved. I don’t have the skills to trap a man in my web like the rest. I am not a predator. I am a prey. If I was to hunt someone down I would be too aggressive. Its not attractive for the girl to come on to you first. But also guys shouldn’t always make the first move, you fucking prude. God forbid I have sex. Females are not sexual creatures don’t you know? Even though we are also animals with animalistic urges we must suppress them. Do not show how much you want to grab his dick. Do not ask him to touch you where you want it. Youre a hoe. But its good to be a hoe. They want hoes. It makes it easier for them. Takes away the struggle of having to but on a show and be sweet to you. They don’t have to work for it if they think youre “good to go” how many times have I heard that? You make the mistake of trusting someone enough to let them see the REAL you. Let them inside of you metaphorically and literally and they blow it up. “we had sex every day.” “she fucking BEGGED for it” when in reality we had it once. I was so scared that I shook because I knew you wouldn’t stay with me. I knew once you had what you wanted it wouldn’t last. After I started getting more attention from your friends I knew what it was. You had told them. The word has spread. But that’s okay because now I don’t have to hide how much it hurts to see you with her.
Im not okay. Sometimes I look in the mirror and have to think “this is me. I am here” because I don’t feel like this is my body and I exist. Its like in videogames when you die and you just watch the other person do everything before you respawn. But I don’t think ill ever respawn and im just here watching a player do things for me. Even as I write I don’t remember what the thoughts im having are. Where the fuck is this coming from?
I really want to be able to be okay
Please don’t let me fade into this space that im trying to crawl into
Time has become such a nonlinear thing for me. I blink and hours are gone and its so scary but I don’t know how to make it stop .
Please fucking make it stop..
