48 years of being broken. Not knowing how to cope properly. Don’t knowing how to communicate with the person you love because you never communicated as child , in fear of the consequences . Living what you thought was a normal life until 48 years later when your actions destroy the first person you actually loved. Your loved one doesn’t understand why or how you aren’t able to communicate feelings. Hurting them emotionally from extremely bad decisions you made over the years. You try to hide it . You hope it will just go away so you don’t have to communicate. There is little hope that you will change . The feeling of being lost, stranded, looking into the darkness hoping to see a light that may never shine.