PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

11:00 PM. Finally my family is going to sleep. I’ve been lying in bed for half an hour waiting for this moment. My brother enters the room and he lays on his bed. Do they suspect? Why do I even ask that when I know the answer is no? Some questions can’t be answered. I just have to wait a little longer.

11:30 PM. My brother is still twitching on his bed. Is he still awake or is he twitching in his dreams? I’m afraid to find out, so I decide to wait, even though I’ve been waiting for so long.

12:00 AM. Finally my brother stopped twitching. I get out of bed carefully, trying not the wake him. I get out of the room quietly. I walk in front of my parent room’s door as fast as I could, afraid of they seeing me and start asking questions, which I wanted to avoid at all costs.

I went down the stairs and to the kitchen. I didn’t need to turn on the light to find them. I just grabbed the biggest one, as I thought it would make it easier. I pass my finger through its edge without much pressure, afraid of cutting myself. I found this ironic, but who cares.

I felt my heart start to race as I became anxious. I sat on the floor, with the knife still in my hand, to try to calm down, but I couldn’t. Am I sure I want to do it? If didn’t wanted it, I wouldn’t be here, right? Why can’t I just do it and get over it?

I felt tears falling in my cheeks; I didn’t noticed I started to cry. In that moment I felt all the fear inside me and started trembling. I hadn’t the courage to do it, but neither for standing up and going to sleep, so I stayed there, sitting on the ground, shaking from my anxiousness, fear, and doubts.

If they found me here in the morning, what would they think? What would they say, feel? Would they even care? I knew they would, but I kept saying to myself they wouldn’t for some reason.

While I thought all of this, I played with the knife. I pass it between my hands, felts its length, its sharpness, put it close to me, put it far from me, put it even closer; I didn’t knew what I was doing, I just let myself go with the flow.

3:00 AM. For some reason I decided to watch the clock. I started to feel tired. But not from being awake, if not of the routine; it was always the same. I always tried my best, but failed every time. How do you live with that, with being a failure?

The worst part was that I had no clue of what I needed to do to stop being a failure. I tried anything and everything, but still I couldn’t change a thing. It drained me every day to do the same, to fail over and over. But hey, what could I do? I just felt defeated.

4:00 AM? 5:00? 6:00? I didn’t know. My eyes hurt from being awake all night that I couldn’t focus on the clock. I knew it was stupid to stay there, that it was another day lost, that the courage I needed wouldn’t come tonight, like past night, so I got up, went upstairs, and entered my room. I was resigned.

I jumped into my bed, and in that same moment, my alarm went off.