Mental Health

From drunken ashes….

From drunken ashes….

By jfarrell

 

You’ve seen the harry potter scene…

The phoenix burns to ashes…

Then reappears two minutes later…

Egg, to little bird thing, to renewed phoenix

 

I was a drunk…. august, this year, I was still a drunk…

I AM a drunk… and proud of it….

My dad drunk and beat up his family…

I drank, went to sleep, wake up, drink…

 

Rinse and repeat…

 

Today…

3 women kissed me on both cheeks….

Everyone I work with patting me on the back,

Shaking my hand….

 

“Thanks, Jim”

 

Most I felt valued, alive,

…... like, ever…

And I haven’t got a scooby doo why.

….. not that it isn’t all nice…

 

Since I returned to work,

I faced a lot of my worst fears….

Heights - serving champange 25th floor of building…

London at night, all lights, forever…

 

Never seen London look so beautiful…

 

Crowds - being stuck on Olympic Way….

From station to work takes 5 minutes…

After work….

Hugging the wall, and kissing, very lovingly, every lampost….

 

THERE’S NO WAY OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

After work….

50, 000 people and a little extra…

All headed for the same station….

…. trust me, I really love those lamposts….

 

An anchor…

In this OCEAN of people….

Anchor…

What word could be more appropriate?

 

SPACE….

To roll a smoke, to dance a jig….

To plug in my headphones and LEAVE EARTH>>>>>

A space, chance, to breathe

 

And…

So many beautiful women, everywhere…

20 years, locked in my flat, alone, celibate….

There IS a very good reason I chose that.

 

I’m too scared to be a phoenix.

I’ve seen my future,

Alone,

Forever and ever.

 

Please don’t drag me from my ashes;

Let me smoulder…. burn…

“a taste of honey is worse than none at all” - great song…

I don’t want no part.

 

Fears - LOVE - vulnerable, pain, hurt, heartbreak….

I don’t want no part, too scared to…

Let me lie in my ashes

And never rises again

 

please

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

someone once asked me.... you're like a kid in a sweetshop, around women.....

not quite, i replied.... yes, kid in a sweet shop.... but aall the mars bars are empty wrrappers.....

my therapist didn't understand,

 

i just never want to have that conversation again

 

 

Last chat with mum; aged 24 (me, aged 24)

Last chat with mum; aged 24 (me, aged 24)

By jfarrell

 

“now he’s dead, I gotta ask….

“was he my dad? Truly???”

…. “yes”

 

This is my mum responding….

Her and the ‘truth’….

If she told me water’s wet and leafs are green…

I’d have to check….

….my mum truly believed her lies…

Really…

 

She didn’t get kicked out of the milkman’s house…

1 am in the morning

And walked home naked with her 7 year old daughter screaming at her

What a w……. she was…

No….

My ‘dad’ was flirting with the barmaid again…

….

I was there; I know what happened…

 

But,

She really, truly believes her lies.

 

“was he my dad?”

“yes”

….

 

Deep breath…

Disappointment, anger, relief?

Who knows?

But….

What I asked next was really, REALLY stupid!

A very bad idea…

But

How could I know?

 

“Ok… ish… he’s my dad…”

 

Long silence, couple of minutes?… less?… more?…

 

“what happened back ‘then’? when I was 5? 6?

When uncle brian raped me?

….….

….. we haven’t spoken in nearly 10 years… what you all did hurt….

What happened?”

 

“your dad told me you’d raped your cousin”

…...

“i was 5…?… 6…?….

…. I wasn’t even physically capable…. 5…6…”

 

 

“that’s what your dad told me.”

 

A couple of deep breaths, from me…

Several seconds…. a minute or two…

Felt like f…. centuries….

 

….”and I believed him.”

 

NOT an added aside, an intentional thrust with a stiletto…

Not an attempt to move in for the kill…

On an already injured, badly bleeding target…

No….

She was just being honest.

 

….OK…

 

“nan, uncle peter…. di…..”

“well of course I told them about it!”

…..

At least I had the sense to shut up then and not ask if that’s..

What she told her friends…

 

…..

 

Haven’t seen or spoken or had anything to do with my ‘mum’

Since that day…

Over 25 years ago…

I will be 50 in a couple of weeks…

My anger, bitterness, hurt….

…..that little mother to son chat….

Is killing me

Poisoning me, like a virus …..

That hate, anger….

Wanting to hurt back…

 

….

Maybe my mum had mental health problems….

I don’t know….

But..

To so totally, absolutely believe… agree…

At 5… 6… years old…

“your son raped his cousin”….

 

I don’t totally believe that’s the WHOLE truth…

I will happily call my scumbag ‘dad’ a lot of names…

But.. ‘Liar’ isn’t one that would be honest….

….

 

…”and I believed him.”….

 

I don’t know….

Have spent all my pointless life trying to imagine….

WHAT I DID….

That was so bad…

That…

At the age of 5 or 6….

… my mum hated me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much,

“and I believed him.”

 

 

Maybe she’s right ;-)

After all,

Who knows a man better than his mother?

 

I wish I could forgive and forget…

I wish I could be a son….

I wish I had a mother….

…..

And,

I so wish I wasn’t me…

But…

These are the hands we are dealt.

 

Sadly….

 

I fear my bitterness, anger….

Absolute f…… rage…

…after I die….

My hate will continue.

….

Other than my mum, who can rot in hell…

 

 

PEACE AND LOVE TO ALL YOU LOVELY WONDERFUL READERS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

20 years of therapy, 40+ years of pain and bitterness..

poetry is a salve, a poultice, i could never have imagined....

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Lucky

Lucky

By jfarrell

 

Me, I’m lucky;

I still gotta roof over my head (just);

Unlike the several poor souls I passed;

Wrapped in cardboard, in shop doorways

 

On my way home from work;

At 3am;

With last night being so cold and wet as it was;

I may forget it often, but I am

 

Lucky.

 

Even luckier than the chief executive,

Who’s getting £90 million bonus, this year;

So much responsibility;

All that money.

 

Seriously; I’d drink it, maybe buy a toy, and get bored with it;

The dude who is getting it… why…

He’ll use the money - new house, cars, holidays;

He’ll spread it around, recirculate it.

 

Lucky.

 

I do what I can; couple quid here, cup of coffee there;

On £7.50 an hour (£8.50, if I get a ‘rich’ booking)

There’s too many for me to feed.

But, I do what I can.

 

The difference between me and that executive?

He’ll buy things, spread it around; more people would benefit;

I’d drink it, and still only give a few quid here and cup of coffee there;

I may have a ‘good’ heart, but I’m a drunk.

 

Luckiest.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i've kknown sleeping on the streets - i'm lucky and i don't wanna go back there, and my heart cries out to those who have to sleep out tomight, in this weather

Duracell bunny

Duracell bunny

By jfarrell

 

I was found ‘fit for work’ about 9 months ago, now;

After 17 years overdosing, cutting wrists, hanging…

Donut jim, coward, waste of space drunk

COWARD…. useless… pointless…

 

Fit for work!

And I’m loving it!

Therapy and pills didn’t help;

And being drunk did!

 

One year from now, I will be rich and famous,

Or unknown, and, sadly, passed away (feck hanging, wrists, this time);

Work 6am til 11pm, and repeat….

I am not just “any” battery, or bunny.

 

At, £9.75 an hour,

I am a Duracell bunny;

Will,happily, work those 20 hour days ;-)

This late, in the game.

 

Maybe coward; lotsa suicides;

But I;m still here;

Drink, or work my self to death….

This late, in the game…

 

1 heart attack will do it….

 

Won’t it?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i knew a man.. in his 60's.. pays all his pension on his rent, coz the lanlord wouldn't sign the forms for housing benefit... very nice bloke, the pensioner, i mean ;-)..but... aafter paying his rent, to a scumbag landlord, hee had to live on tea and biscuits, and whatever meals his sister could bring round...

though we telephone on birthdays (they are special occassions, after all), my sisster and i have had nothing to do with each other, since the children's home closed

 

10, 20 years from now...

i will be that old man, living on tea and biscuits....

and i'd really like to change that future

 

please help, any suggestions.... please

 

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Dragon scale gown

Dragon scale gown

By jfarrell

 

 

Dazzling…

Eyes blind - everywhere you look

Seared golden brand

Reality, a fog on the edges.

 

Shut your eyes,

The burning, golden scar of light

You still see;

Open eyes; reality still a dense fog, on the edge.

 

Light, stars, madness, pain, joy;

I don’t know how;

My dragon gave to me a cloak…

Woven from her scales.

 

When you look at me, I don’t know what you see;

I can’t see me anymore;

I see a smartly dressed waiter, bartender, food dispenser;

Not a mass murderer… gimme a machine gun!!! PLEASE!!!!

 

Light, so beautiful, you have to praise god;

Dark so powerful, you have to hope there’s a devil;

OMFG!!!! my dragon is so beautiful! More real!!!!

…. but I KNOW your’s are more beautiful, and breathtakingly stunning…

 

Please, SHOW ME!

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

mission impossible masks - rip off the waiter, bartender still here;

rip off that mask....

want cookie with your coffee...

or fries with you hamburger?.....

drunk, stoned, i got so many masks

no-one's gonna find my ghost ;-)

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Nevers

Nevers

By jfarrell

 

 

25th floor of a building in central London, with big windows;

I’d never seen London at night, all lights;

Was beautiful; first time I actually appreciated what London could be;

Until last night, I’d never been that high up and seen London.

 

I’d never been to Wembley, never been to Lord’s Cricket Ground;

Never got a roomful of important people drunk on entry;

“Champagne, sir or madam?”

I’d never served coffee to a room of professors.

 

Until my present employer, Berkeley Scott (BIG thank you, amazing);

I’d never experienced a road, a street…

The walk there takes five minutes..

After work, that same walk takes an hour or more.

 

Before BKS (Berkeley Scott)….

I’d never walked anywhere,

As part of a sea, an arrow, a swarm of people;

40, 000 people, all headed for the same tube station.

 

I’m nearly 50, these last 6 months seen a lot of nevers happening;

Nearly 50; never had family or kids or meaningful relationship;

BKS helping me destroy a lot of nevers;

Maybe, even this late in the race, some nevers can still be changed.

 

I don’t want my future (what’s left),

Just OK, managing;

I’d like my future to be good, worth the effort;

Maybe another never can be destroyed.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

thinking in a brand new way - for me, at least :-)

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The Off Grid Life

the off-grid life.

untied from the shackles of strife,

2017, the modern existence,

getting on the property ladder, how does anyone have a chance?
20, 25 or 30, forced to work to pay every bill,

going to work all hours, struggling to find a way, a life against our will,

needing the money from any form of work, mostly unprogressive, unhappy 
life passing by, frustrating, anger, decreasing self-worth, causing individuals to be snappy

unfulfilled, potentials are not met, working a job all day, unable to progress,

money is the key factor, for bills to be met, let me digress.

often they still aren't causing pain and suffering, stress and depression,

homelessness is rife through the country, a feeling of regression,

a feeling of being stuck, how to retrain and improve your careers?
speak to friends or family and the same conversation, doubts, and fears
if only another option was available,

one that was accepted and not just for the vulnerable,

the homeless, the people with nothing,

but how is this existence different? it is truly crushing,

once you can see that your life is consumed with working for money,

the soul has passed, your energy too, it can get so hard it's not even funny,

but who understands? in the face of consumerism, higher purchase, loans, and debt,

who is living a life, truly satisfied, and their dreams are met?

Not all people living off-grid are rich in cash!
but they aim for other needs; security in food & energy, it's worth a bash,


 

a growing transition for many people too,

it's not just for the hippies, the spiritual, it's for people like me and you,

think about it for a moment or two...

who would you be without your car, house and your possessions?
is that person you portray the real you? or do you blend in so people don't ask questions?
are you honest with your family and friends?

or do you sit behind a desk wishing it would end?
there is a wealth of knowledge of old traditions,

from a time when they lived without these conditions,

the conditions of social media, advertising, marketing ads or vlogs

when screen time didn't consume every waking hour, and children were fascinated with tadpoles transforming into frogs.

hours spent outside, climbing trees, playing at the park,

not allowed home unless it was tea time or had gotten dark.

 

a shift is happening, ecotherapy, wild schooling, bushcraft, and hikes,

forest schooling, homeschooling, people walking and out on their bikes,

scientists are noticing the effects on children's behaviors, reduced health issues,

ADHD,  also a boost in self-awareness, positivity, confidence and mental health issues

is it easier to sit a child down to hours in front of the tv, or ipad?

than it is to spend a few hours playing down the park with dad?

or baking a cake with mum, the importance of these skills are being misplaced,

in this consumerism world, with employees a number, in a life so fast-paced.

 

Off-grid living, the communities hidden away,

all they want is a parcel of land to look after their needs, but hey,

that's not possible, 'cause where will the local council get their tax,

with the community, living off the land, growing food and chopping wood with an axe,

the need and usage of government-owned services would become minute,

living simply and within your skills of the land, renewables used, an abundance of fruit,

food preserved in many forms, jams and chutneys, frozen meat,

enough food to last year-round to survive through winter, or in the heat,

the food produced off the land, tending the garden, and grown for nutrition,

the most important for life and health also said to aid in remission.

off grid homesteaders, don't need to take the flack,

with health as the focus, working outdoors to provide, lowering the need for prozac,
comments from shallow minded people need not be said,

the power of community, working together, I want to spread,

to include children in the transition, of conserving nature and our wildlife,

 

the tranquil setting amongst the seasons, watching the stars, that's my type of nightlife.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is my first time sharing my poetry, (after a few friends encouraged me that I should) please be kind and send your thoughts.

Also all words are opinions of myself in the modern world that we live in. 

This is not meant to cause offense, harm, upset to anyone, and if it does please understand that is not my intention.

 

Many thanks,

If…

If…

By jfarrell

 

   (in regards to Rudyard Kipling’s masterpiece)

 

If…

You’re still standing, after all this time;

After all these many battles and defeats;

If…

When they rub salt in your wounds,

You can lick it out and spit it back at them;

If….

When they kick your legs from under you, you get up;

Because you’re too stupid to stay down;

If…

 

If only life had been nicer;

Seaside and ice cream;

Hugs and kisses from mum and dad

 

But…

But a lot of things;

And none of them matter

After all this time.

 

If…

If you can’t get even, get drunk;

So drunk, how much it hurts don’t matter;

If…

You’re sleeping ‘out’ tonight;

Keep warm, it’s gonna be a cold one;

If…

I, we, all cared more,

And life was very different from what it is;

If….

John Lennon invited us to imagine;

And we could all imagine that dream enough to share it.

 

What if….?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i hope if was rudyard kipling, or i really messed that up, hehe :-) i relly should check my stuff first

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Heal, damn you

Heal, damn you

By jfarrell

 

It is 7 weeks before my 50th birthday

And I just want my depression gone. Forever;

This illness’, this ‘condition’; this curse;

Heal, damn you! Let it go.

 

After 38 years, you’d think it’d be cured by now;

All the money and time spent in therapy;

Or I’d have learned to accept it;

Heal, damn you! I need to live.

 

With no cure, I grow very old, alone,

Living off tea and biscuits because it’s all I can afford;

Who’d want that?

Heal, damn you! Don’t condemn me to that.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

my mind is my prison - but i found a sledge hammer :-)

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