..........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU615FaODCg
^^open in new tab to hear^^
I don't know how you feel,
Only you know that.
I know what can happen to a person
When they have been beat down
To a point where they feel they cannot
Handle living anymore,
You can close yourself off from feeling,
Sort of like a shut off valve is in the back
Of your subconscious,
And you just decide that it isn't
Worth feeling anything at all
Because if there is going
To be negativity along with it,
Well, you would rather feel nothing
At all...ever again...you could care less.
Life wasn't supposed to be like this, right?
There wasn't supposed to be any bad feelings
Once love came to town,
The recipe doesn't call for sadness,
Not now, not ever, and if it did,
It would be like it is
For someone like Brittany Spears,
Or Kim Kardashian, where the entire world
Cares about the outcome, right?
So go ahead, just roll all of those feelings
Up into a tight little ball
And let them roll where they will
Inside your body...rolling along,
Like a big black snowball collecting
All the dark and scary real life things
That you just cannot handle,
Because if you did,
It would mean you have to face
How much you resent the fact
That you were lied to,
Bamboozled by your own
Loving parents hand,
Misguided by teachers, preachers,
And well-meaning friends
Who never had to go through
What you're going through now--
And if they did, it wasn't as bad as what
You are going through, right?
Just let that ball keep rolling---
Or maybe you did,
And now you're feeling it
Roll up behind you,
And as it does, it is creating
The reality you never asked for,
Maybe you are feeling as if it is
Going to just roll right over you
And there won't be
Anything left of you---at all,
It will take over like a bad virus,
And just as you planned,
You'll never get to feel love again--
It only makes you scared
To feel it, now, anyway, right?
But what of your mother and father,
And their dreams and expectations
They have been planning for you?
Aren't you supposed to be alive
For the sole purpose of doing
As they ask?
You want to be happy, right?
You want to be like them?
Making them happy
Is what will make you happy?
Or maybe you are confused
About how you even feel,
And that big black ball
Is really about to swallow you up
And you are scared,
And underneath it,
You are angry,
Sad,
Desperate,
Helpless...
Maybe even a tiny bit hopeful...
Holding on with despair to the
Fairytale ending---
Happily Ever After---
Admit it!! You believed it!!
You believed the lie!!
You may just want to
Make it all stop somehow,
But you don't know how.
And you want to ask for help,
But you are even afraid to do that,
And you have no idea why,
Except for that everyone has
Always told you asking for help
Isn't what you need.
Oh.
You mean the same people
Who told you love would make
Your life easy, wonderful, blissful
Everyday without ever having
Any bad days or making any mistakes
And having to answer for them?
The same people who led you to
Believe that all you have to do
Is say a Hail Mary and an Our Father
Every night and that life
Will magically fall into place?
The same people who told you
That as long as you behave as
A good person, citizen, student,
Then love will come and come to stay,
And now that it didn't pan out that way,
It's just your sorry fault,
Because, hell---they found a way
To make the lie appear real to them,
And if you can't then ---why---
It must be you that is doing it wrong,
Right?
*******************
No.
Wrong.
There is no right or wrong way,
You are doing it right,
And they are doing it right
But it is not easy to be honest
With yourself when everyone
Around you is caught up in
Something that is only real for them,
Just as your pain right now,
Is only real for you,
And no matter who you tell about it,
That part won't change,
Because this is your life,
And the pain is your pain,
Your experience to experience,
No one knows what you are feeling,
Nor will they ever,
But you might be able to find
People who will listen,
Who have had similar experiences,
Who won't lie to you and tell you
That it's raining when they are
Really pissing down the side
Of your leg because their life
Happens to be going well for them,
And maybe you aren't a carbon copy
Of everyone you grew up with.
Maybe you are different.
Maybe you are you,
And that is enough.
And maybe once you accept that,
And once you decide that is ok,
Then maybe you will be able
To love without having to
Have someone else to love first.
Because how can you give
Something to someone that
You never had for yourself?
The choice is easy,
Love without expectaion of getting
Anything back in return,
And never love if it is not
Coming straight from your heart,
And what you get back,
However large or small it may be,
Will always be a bonus of loving freely,
And enjoying the simple things
In life will become your
Greatest wealth.
Or, you can have a pretend love with someone,
Where you perform certain actions
That everyone in society says
And believes love is,
And get back what society says
Love is in return from those actions,
Making love the game society
Has made of it---to make lots of money,
To get married and buy into
The system of material gain,
To be up to your neck
In bills, to make it appear to
Everyone that you have succeeded in life,
And to never taste true freedom
Within your soul and mind,
To live your life within a strictly
Monitored boundary of what love
Can and cannot be.
And whatever you choose
Is what you will become.
There is no right or wrong way,
There is only the way that is
Going to be best for the person
You have grown to be,
Or the person you would like
To grow to be, which doesn't
Involve anyone else until
You learn who that person is
within yourself
first.
Choose wisely, whatever you choose,
And decide to be happy with it,
Whatever you choose.
3:25 AM 7/26/2013 ©
.............
......................
beautiful dream that i have seen in reality,
i am the weaver who weaves the achievable fantasy,
my paintbrush the guide in the universe's hand,
the gifts i've been given, are never on demand,
for blessed i become with this gift i can't compare,
that has joined me to one of a love very rare.
1:25 PM 7/15/2013 ©
inspired by Sipping Dreams
http://www.postpoems.org/authors/sippingdreams
......................
Hey rain come back and stay
Stay with me for one more day
'Cause I can't seem to wash away
So wash away the wrong in me
This time to get wet I can dare
I won't use the umbrella I swear
I won't try to protect myself
Or find a shelter I won't escape
Rain on me and wash away the dirt
Make me sacred earse my curse
Wash away this machine of hurt
Let it flow before my mind diverts
Hey clouds slow down don't go
Sky is dark but I want you to know
By the morning we'll see the rainbow
So don't leave and stay with me
Feelingless and stoned her I am
Standing unknown screaming your name
Sorry for the pain I gave. I'm a bad man
Only regrets in my heart and veins
I regret giving you so much to remember
It will hurt you more, it will last forever
Only for your good I hope I met you never
May be one day I'll forget everything
But I won't forget that last night of november
Hey dear god listen to my prayers
Make her smile and keep her safe
Where ever she is rain love in the air
Tell her to forgive the wrong in me
What if it never rained on me?
We never met and you didn't see
The nightmares I gave you never dreamed
What if I could wash it away eventually
What you always wanted me to be
Is something that I could never be
What if I could escape with only sorry
And kiss your forehead and say don't worry
So baby come back and stay
Just give me one more day
And I swear I'll wash away
I'll wash away the wrong in me
Live the dream
And sleep in peace,
Or touching the dream,
You awaken, to cease,
The love that calls you,
Is not in sleep,
And this is why,
My cherished dear,
You cannot conquer your inner fear,
And from your eyes,
Your dreams,
They weep.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=yIuEcLgYAlU
8:20 PM 6/30/2013
©
.....
Today I shall explore.
I shall break off my shell and
Touch my feet to the ground
I will run around the trees and
Form a path with my footsteps
Today I shall dream.
Like always, in my dreams I will
Find comfort from the damage my reality caused
I will create a perfect world and hope
That one day it comes true
Today I shall discover.
I will experience things that'll let me know
Who I really am
My home will be under the moon
And my heart will be my only guide.
I will gain enough memories
To tell my grandchildren,
And an endless generation will hear of my adventures.
They will learn what I did with my life,
So they will get that little spark set in their tummies
To want to achieve something similar
So they, too, can live life
I dreamnt of you last night, beautiful and free you were.
I had you in my sight last night, for a moment i did stirr
Wondering if you were really there or if you were to go away
Hoping your existence was reality in my present as there I lay
I thought maybe I had finally woken up from my nightmere
Only to find that it was all a dream and too much to bare.
I pray for you to come to me at night in any form
Then you do and my emotions roll in like a storm
At moments I struggle to hear your voice in my head
To visualize your movement or lying next to me in bed
Bitter sweet it is, to hear your voice and see you move
Knowing that when my eyes open wide, I yet again will lose
YOU is where where I want to be and where I've always been
YOU were my partner, my lover and my friend
I live in a drywall box
Sitting alone staring at my clocks
With landscape art hanging all around me
It’s no wonder inspiration has finally found me
One day my mind forced my hand to start writing
About my parents in Heaven still fighting
Knowing their bodies lie beneath the ground
But believing that is not where there to be found
One night I dreamt of a beautiful house
It was on a sunny hill where I saw cat’s playing cards with a mouse
There was a young woman sitting on a porch rail
She turned to me and asked why I looked so pale
She told me she did not die
She told me I no longer have to cry
Then all of a sudden I awoke
Asking myself... “Was Mom's death some kind of horrible Joke”
The Wake…The Funeral…
The Burial Mass…The Grave
Mom's dream message proved to me
She had risen from her Coffin in the Cave
Sometimes I wonder if Mom and Dad are really dead
Or are they living in my head
Can our parents be more alive than we think
Could they be some kind of Supernatural Link
Some say this life is a trial
With certain emotions recorded in our Spiritual File
We all experience wonder, joy, sorrow and pain
Some days… it’s a challenge just to stay sane
I pray our parents watch over us from a far
I swear sometimes… Their sitting in my car
Maybe when we experience life’s emotions
Our Parents are there recording the commotion
I bet Mom sews all day
She probably still has no time to play
I bet Dad writes all day
Will my sons ever find their way
Someday I will tell everyone
That Heaven maybe closer than the Sun
And even though our parents may not be here
When we take our last breath there is nothing to fear
Because what seems like a very dark day
Is really a small price to pay
So the next time you hear a familiar voice in your head
It could be your parents telling you they are not really dead
And I thank… GOD… I no longer have to write
Because my parents have finally found Peace in the Light
And some day when it’s my turn to go home
I will show my parents this poem
Earth time,
Wake time,
Sleep time,
Dream time,
Life time,
Some time,
Any time...
What is time?
Something
measured
by man,
to keep track
of his illusions,
his confusions,
and when we
sleep,
and wander
throughout
the realms
of space...
and 'time',
intertwined.
Once upon
a dream so vast,
an infinite
number of
souls were cast,
beyond the
thoughts where
minds can
wander,
beyond the
planes where
spirits blunder.
My heart
forever longs
to share
the ecstasy
it holds,
I close my
eyes and leave
this world,
and don't know
where 'I' go.
The only thing
I know is that
the times when
I'm asleep,
is like a
metamorphosis,
the whole of
me, upsweeped.
dreaming holds
no slumber
there, no fantasies
suffice, it's
bliss becomes
my breath
in dreams
awakened
and alas...
once more,
enticed.
5:35 AM 5/31/2013 ©