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Being low

I woke up this morning in the same room I’m always in

The sheets peeling off the sides of my dirty mattress 

And there I lay 

There is style of comfort I find in the mess that surrounds me

The cloths strewn about the floor symbolize a sense of control that I have.

I put those there. This room remains a mess because of me. And nobody can change that. 

I muster up the energy to masturbate for the first time in days.

Craving the endorphins that my orgasm will inevitably release. 

I lay there, basking in the post orgasmic glow, just thinking and reflecting. 

I’m too numb to care about anything around me. 

I’m too numb to see that life is crumbling before my very eyes. 

Somewhere deep down I know that I dislike who I’ve become, 

And I long for the girl I was before

But the darkness that has consumed my large body blocks out any type of Chang that could be made.

I no longer have the energy to care.

My medication sits on the other side of my room. The bright orange plastic leering at me from afar. 

I think about how easy it would be to end all of this here and now.

A few more pills than the prescribed dose and it would all be gone.

All of the numbness. All of the anger. All of the dark.

I cant bring myself to do it

Not out of fear, or worry, or anything like that.

No no, but rather exhaustion. 

I feel glued to my bed; my body unable to find the strenghth to move. 

I continue my stare off with my artificial happiness and sigh. 

I am not strong. 

I realize then and there the real reason I don’t kill myself

I can’t commit. 

I am too weak to leave, and too weak to stay. 

I continue to find myself stuck in this constant purgatory.

Not quite happy, not quite sad, just alive.

I begin to become weary.

My eyes begin to feel heavy, as My body begins to call me back into the catatonic state I so often retreat to, and like a small child I obey. 

Submissive to myself and my subconscious desire to make the days pass as quickly as possible,

Until I reach my inevitable demise.

My eyes drift shut and I stare around in the darkness.

My brain beating and my heart racing. 

I begin the drift far off, to a place where my mind and body are connected, 

To a place where I am happy and can thrive 

Away from the sadness and anxiety I endure at a near constant. 

And that is the end.